Purpose

Sasha Pivovarova for Vogue Paris 2010

As you can probably tell, I have been feeling very lackluster about my life lately . . . I feel I've accomplished all the goals I've set out academically and career-wise, but something still feels askew.  I bought a journal a couple days ago and decided to get back into the groove of writing to myself again.  I feel it was something that got me through my teenage years, so perhaps it will continue to guide me through my 20s.

Last night, I talked to the bf about everything I've been feeling lately, following the funeral . . . reflecting on my own mortality . . . what difference would I really have made when I leave this earth . . . how many people would I really have touched . . .  and just how I feel I'm right where I want to be in life, yet I feel so empty as a person.  Surprisingly he didn't turn the other side and dozed off like he didn't hear me . . . instead he listened and concluded that perhaps I just needed more meaning and purpose in my life and perhaps doing community service again will fill that void.  Of course!  That's a start!  I feel that because I'm not stressing and juggling so much nowadays I literally have all this time to reflect on my life and realize what's really missing.  I used to do community service so I can fill up my resume and school applications, but I never really cared for it . . . But now, thinking back to those days . . . can you believe I've reached that point in my life where I want to do community service just so I can feel fulfilled?  I took the initiative and signed up with Girls, Inc. of Orange County and hopefully will find meaning in my own life by helping young girls find direction in theirs.  Such a selfish act is volunteering, is it not?