The Beginning

 Today was the first day of the Bar.  I moved into my hotel room yesterday and kept cramming as much into my head as possible.  I went to bed early, and of course - as life would have it, I couldn't sleep . . . ALL night.  Whether it was the insufficient AC, the flat pillows, or my nerves telling me the storm is coming, I tossed and turned every hour of last night until the alarm hit 6:45am . . . I woke up this morning tired but ready for battle.  And guess what?  I felt like I victoriously knocked the essay portion out of the park.  However, the unexpected threat of the Performance Test was the killer of my short lived joys.  I was sad and felt like I might have possibly failed it.  Not surprisingly, my castigating self came out to play and welcomed the many possibilities of why and how I failed the PT.  I took a candlelit bath to suppress that merciless voice.  So here I am (with my usual glass of wine).  I did absolutely no reviewing the rest of the evening and am just too tired to squeeze anything out of me.  Tomorrow is the the multiple choice section of the exam.  6 hours.  200 questions.  Fun stuff.  1/3 of the way there.  I. Can. Do. This.          

hard-won battles

Going into the last week of my studies and since my last break down, 

I have made sure to keep myself sane by staying at a steady pace and remembering to breathe.  Whether it be keeping fresh flowers on my desk, soaking in the summer sun and ocean breeze each afternoon, or doing an hour of yoga. . . I have tried to ground myself in this swarm of stress.  

I am aware that after the end of this fight, I will yet prepare to start another one, and another and another. . . I've pushed myself to the limit each and every time I've set goals for myself and fought hard until the bitter end . . . and yes, I've cried and complained, but I followed through every time.  I think if I keep creating and fighting these hard-won battles, the boundaries that encapsulate my abilities and potential as I grow older really will be limitless.       

   

   

fresh flowers 

fresh juice

fresh air

so que sera, let's go sailing . . .

via thisisglamorous.com

via thisisglamorous.com

Breathe Again

For the last 6 weeks my schedule consists of waking up at 8am and studying straight until 5pm (yes, that's 9 hours straight). I would refresh and do yoga for an hour, eat dinner with my BF and relax a bit, and then go back to studying until 12pm (yes, that's another 3-4 hours). The next morning, repeat.

I finally lost my stamina and crashed last week. I started to doubt myself and thought of the possibility that I could possibly fail the bar despite all this hard work. . . What would I do? How would I have the time to retake it? Would I have to relive this nightmare? What would people think? How would I feel about myself?

Yes, I had my first spout of tears last week while I was studying, but I didn't stop. . . I just kept fighting through the tears. . . I think it was then that I realized how important it was to take a step back and just breathe . . . and not hold my breath the whole way through like I had been doing.

I feel so blessed to have a supportive BF who has tried so hard to accommodate my every needs and put up with my emotional rollercoaster. When I keep thinking about all the wrongs and horribles in my life, he reminds me of all the rights and wonderfuls, of all the things I've accomplished but keep underestimating . . .

After a rough tearful week, he made us dinner and suggested we eat outside our balcony for once - to take in the summer ocean breeze amidst our harbor view we take for granted. . . It was absolutely lovely and reminded me how important it was to have little moments like these, to take a step back and count my blessings.

via &soweramble

To top it off, my friend Sara had surprised me with a "Care Package," full of wonderful goodies and pampering to get me through the last 3 weeks. She reminds me of why we all need a few great friends in our lives and the importance of making time for them (something I need to work on soon since I have been very self-absorbed in my studies throughout law school).

I have 3 weeks until armageddon, and I am glad that I had my lowest low now so that I can reboot and finish strong.

Love,
Nat