Hidden Progress

I was just thinking just the other day about how I use this blog as a medium for complaining about my daily journeys through the rough roads of school and politics. I guess somewhere along the way I forgot that the premise of Politiks n' Blahniks was to track my progress through this complex world that I had once knew absolutely nothing about. I guess when I finally started my journey I was taking in so much material that I didn't have to time to just sit down and regurgitate the things I learned or reflect on the complexities that baffled me. Blogging became nonsensical and a mindless getaway...

Nonetheless, although this blog has not accurately reflected my actual transformation into the other side- it's all there.

Like my very first entry, I wouldn't have been able to carry on a conversation about politics and the economy with anyone (despite my economics degree background), but I can talk about fashion and celebrity gossip like it was no big deal (reflective of my secondary degree, Sociology - the study of being social. . .supposedly). I think the final trigger of becoming more politically savvy and worldly was on this particular sunny afternoon a year ago. . . I was sitting outside during break and a group of law students were talking to each other. I was minding my own business and trying to catch up for the day's reading. I suddenly heard "blah blah Abu Dhabi blah blah." My eye's lit up and I was thinking to myself "ooh this is much more interesting than ConLaw, they're talking about Sex and the City 2" (which recently came out the same month) so I decided to ease drop to see what they thought of the movie. I didn't hear Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha or Miranda. . .

... Of course, of course- they were talking about the Abu Dhabi government. . . my interested smile turned into a dumbfounded frown and that turned into a realization event to take action. Of course I would never have known there was a place called "Abu Dhabi" had it not been for SATC 2. . . here I was thinking it was a make believe place too good to be true all for Carrie to bump into Aidan and be tempted to cheat on Big... pooh

That was then. . . In the last couple of years I have become more familiar with the wonderful world of the news. I have managed to squeeze in the daily news to educate myself in between the crevices of my down time.

• First thing in the morning, I wake up to my alarm and go onto Facebook where I have streamed the Huffington Post and the Daily Beast onto my newsfeed. I browse merely the titles to wake me up and fall out of bed.

• My daily commute from LB to LA consists of CNN radio and Bloomberg (when CNN becomes too engrossed into petty or gory criminal news).

• In between my class breaks I skim through my RSS or Bloglovin' feed for a visual break from the I.R.C.

• After a long day of class, I recuperate by watching The View (daily DVR, of course) and vegging out for half an hour. . .and then I jump back into studying.

At the end of the night, if I have time and still have room in my brain for more educational indulgences, I watch political or economic documentaries, which I have become extremely fond of! Although I am aware that most are biased and one-sided, I still watch it religiously and take in everything.

So there you have it, what I actually have been doing the last year, beyond my complaints of exhaustion. . .(now that I think about it, maybe that's why my brain is so fried by the end of the day to blog about anything). . .

This entry was actually meant to lead in to my new goal of writing about all the documentaries I have been watching, to summarize and discuss the impact it has on society- I guess that entry will have to wait for another day, but as a note to self, these are a list of the ones I will eventually review (if I have the time at all)

1. Too Big to Fail (HBO film/documentary) (Rate: 5/5)
2. Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room (Rate: 4/5)
3. Freakonomics (Rate: 2/5)
4. Food, Inc. (Rate: 4/5)
5. King Corn (Rate: 3/5)
6. Food Matters (Rate: 2/5)
7. Supersize Me (Rate: 3/5)

Enough for today- study time.

Love, Nat

Cancun countdown: 6 weeks...

After the Storm...there's an Island

After I posted the "M is for Me" post, I begged the BF for a short vacation before I start my 3L year. He eventually agreed and ironically he suggested this resort called ME hotel (what a coincidence!)

I have been working and going to school nonstop that I really feel like a well-deserved vacation has to be somewhere close within the horizon. Of course he complained that my yearly vacation was making me spoiled. . . thinking about it, it's possibly true (Yr 1: Catalina Islands; Yr 2: Costa Rica; Yr 3: Bahamas; Yr 4: Vietnam; Yr 5: Virgin Islands. . .) We're on our 6th year... so Cancun awaits...

I have to admit that although I take on an overwhelming load during the year, a little vacation come summer always revives my batteries and I can keep going at it for another year with the same load (if not heavier), but the cycle goes on and the work gets harder. Nonetheless, I feel like I do become more malleable and it's harder to reach that breaking point when I know that ball of stress that grows bigger and bigger towards the end of the year will eventually avalanche into a nice, sunny island somewhere far from California.

Destination: ME Cancun Hotel.

Countdown: 6 weeks, 4 days...

Love,

Nat

M is for Me.

Fingers crossed that the bf will agree to a short vacay in August (post LLM program and pre 3L) . . . somewhere sandy and sunny. . .

Mimosas in the morning,

Mojitos in the afternoon,

Merlot at night

Listening to Marley all day long . . .

(Buffalo soldier...)

Nice tan, sun-bleached hair, getting high . . . (on life, of course)

Love,

Daydreamer

elle woods

"Law school is for people who are boring, and ugly, and…serious.

And you, Button, are none of those things."

– Elle's father

Brooke Shields

"And success, I believe, comes in a myriad of packages and with various types of wrapping. Please continue to aim high and strive for your best, but learn to embrace, and revel in, your unique successes. Compare not to others. This will be difficult but valuable, I promise." -Brook Shields at Princeton's 2011 Commencement

"[Education is] the thing that can't be taken away from you. We're in an industry where [things] gets taken from you all the time . . . because you're never good enough; no matter where you are or who you, there's somebody better, younger, or whatever. Education helped me have my own sense of self." -Brooke on The View

Educated and beautiful women inspire me and answer the "why?" for me each day. . .

Sick.

Went shopping with my mom yesterday and saw this gorgeous orange pleated Halston dress on sale for $299! I wanted so badly to buy it and am still thinking about it today... but- as usual... must talk myself out of buying something I won't have any opportunity to wear... Life's a bore. Maybe one day I can be like Bradshaw and prance around town in gowns like it's no big deal

...one day...

Anyways, celebrated BF's birthday with his friends and family yesterday and feeling extremely sick today... trying to study, but this runny nose, dry cough, and headache is getting the best of me...

Forever Young

‎"Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. . .

We grow old by deserting our ideals...

Years may wrinkle the skin,

but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul."

“You spend 90% of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10% trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” ~Robert Brault

Life Lesson? I need to stop complaining that I need a break- I can rest when I'm dead. My twenties are the years in which I need to work the hardest to build a platform for the rest of my life and the years in which I need to play the hardest to soak in the remainder of my youth!

. . . Although I'm not sure how accomplishing both things is physically possible with my schedule. . . But seriously, ever since I started Law School all I've been doing is complaining, complaining. Boyfriend's right, nobody likes a Negative Nancy.

Speaking of aging, I forgot about my old Xanga. . . and reading it again after 3 years is kind of refreshing...

http://lecocouturecafe.xanga.com/ Very amateur, but I love it indeed.

Who I Was.

I'm starting to have random mental Polaroids of things I've done in the past- of the small gestures I've made or the stupid things I've said. I find myself experiencing feelings of embarrassment, and the awkward discomfort of "why did I do that?" Although they were all minor and no big deal, I reflected on why I was thinking about all this stuff suddenly and why I didn't realize at the time time how unlike me to say or do those thing. I'm speaking in the abstract because it's not the substance of what came to me that actually really matters, but just the whole concept of what was going on.

I've come to realize how being stubborn all these years, of always justifying my actions and words, are signs of me being childish. I guess growing up is knowing when and why to change for the better. For example, I've come to realize that when I try so hard to be the girl that stands out, be it superficially, or intellectually, I set myself up for self-castigation. I'll always question why I'm not prettier than her or why I'm not smarter than him. Or worst, I'll find reasons to put someone down just so I can make myself feel like I'm better. Being a girl in this society, where everyone seems like they're competing to look younger or more enhanced, and being the first to be in the know of the latest trends, I found myself stuck in that mentality, and the more I keep thinking how am I going to catch up, I dig a deeper hole a lot of young girls are stuck in. I admit that turning 25 made me feel "old" and it cascaded into fears of getting wrinkles and cellulite, and knowing how there's always going to be someone younger and smarter and cuter. . . If my boyfriend was reading this he would blame this sudden high level of estrogen on my "monthly visitor." whatever.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I should start rolling all this competitive and jealous energy into a ball and throw it out the window every time I find myself rationalizing why I'm right and the other person is wrong, or what kind of flaws I can find in the next perfect girl that makes me feel like an insecure blob, or something stupid like that. I guess it's a flaw we all have but few can admit to...

Growing up, I have always immersed myself in cheesy self-help books and inspirational quotes that I guess somewhere along the way I felt those values were embodied in me and that I was this Mother Teresa, but in reality my personality and values actually became lackluster. It was like preaching the things I believed, but didn't have squat to show for. I was too busy trying to put the pieces of my relationships I had with family, friends, school, and my career into place that I had all form and no substance (yes, and in the tax world, we all know how important substance is. . .). So coming to this realization now, I'm going to try to be more aware so that I can one day embody the values that can make me strong, resilient and empathetic to the human condition and to myself.

Okay, my break is over- back to the hell I call Partnership Tax.

Love,

Nat

3 weeks down. 8 more to go.

Complaining about Corporate Tax was so juvenile, in hindsight, compared to the hells of Partnership Tax.

I still need a vacation, despite the gloomy 60 degree summer.

Love. As We See It and As We Want to See It.

Recap. Anthony Weiner. John Edwards. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Tiger Woods. The list goes on. Instead of expressing all this disgust and hate towards these douche bags, I'm going to try to take this in a different direction.

I've been listening to CNN on my commute to class every morning, and each morning I hear about all these political sex scandals thats been going on. First, Edwards is having an affair while his wife is going through chemo and then after she dies he's indicted for using campaign funds to support his mistress. Then, Arnold has a love child. Then, Weiner is showing his wiener all over the web to strange women. The other day a sex psychologist came on the air to try to "understand" why these high powered men do what they do. She says it's the high levels of testosterone that sexualizes these men and brings out the risk taker in them and then there's their natural ability as politicians to rationalize everything they do. I was thinking, ok . . . I guess that makes sense.

Today I read on the Daily Beast an article about rethinking monogamy. During my extra long commute today, I zoned out and kept thinking about that article. The author claims that mammals are naturally non-monogamous. People cheat and can't stay with one person for a long time or they feel tempted to be with a different person while they're with one person because it's in our blood, as mammals. She argues that the institution of marriage and exclusivity for life is something that human beings unsuccessfully try to strive for and force upon ourselves. As a result, we go against our natural state and when we fall back on it by cheating, we are merely acting "naturally." She argues not to end the institution of marriage, but to rethink it. She gives stats on swingers and polyamorous relationships and all that stuff. So how did I absorb all this?

Okay, well it all dawned on me of what I've experienced these past 25 years. First, my boyfriend of almost 7 years has (emotionally) cheated on me five years ago. Although he says he's a rehabilitated man and I forgave him, it still lingers in our arguments. Second, my parents are divorced. Why? My dad never told us (obviously), but my theory has always been he wanted freedom from the constraints of family. He wanted to be free so that he can give into his carnal urges without being judged. Lets just leave it at that. Third, I'm surrounded by news of celebrity sex affairs. Fourth, divorce is at the highest rate it has ever been. Fifth, the town where I grew up has become filled with "coffee shops" with young girls who strut around in literally nothing, serving coffee to old, married men who gawk at them, and of course the inevitable result of infidelity.

We learn and form our judgments based on our surroundings and what our parents teach us. My dad (through his actions) taught me that men are dirty, immoral cowards. My mom has told me many times that love is not forever and that a guy can be in love with you on hands and knees one day and the next year, month, or week, he can fall right out of love with you and devote his feelings to the next girl he meets. So now if you ask me what I make of all this- I would have told you, perhaps earlier this morning when I was stuck on the 110 freeway, that I don't believe in love and marriage anymore and was actually contemplating being an unmarried divorce lawyer. This was a hard thing for me to grapple with because I've always believed so strongly in building your own family and growing old with a life partner.

However, I have now snapped out of all this and am thinking more rationally (or so I'd like to believe). I think that although our "mammal instincts" directs us to the path of polygamy, the ability to selflessly respect our partner and to not give into every carnal desire is what separates us from animals. We've built an institution revolved around what's moral and immoral and what's right and what's wrong. Why turn our backs on it now just because we've become disillusioned at how many failed marriages and relationships have unfolded before us? Perhaps everyone I meet may have cheated or will cheat, but I can't make that my norm. I'm writing about all this because I have the tendency to give up on love and marriage a couple times, and I'm trying to remind myself to "be the change I want to see in the world." Yes, Gandhi believed that mankind can reach the point of sexual self control. In today's world, it seems like such a godly thing to do . . . but of course, there's hope.

I have my fingers crossed that I only get one of these babies in my lifetime...

Love,

Nat.

Rest is for the Weary. . .

I was happily reading for class until Mark calls me and tells me our final grade for ConLaw is posted. You see, I have been waiting anxiously for this grade only because I had an administrative point deducted from my cellphone going off during the exam (it's unfair and the punishment is far too harsh. . .but what can I do. . .). As Mark is telling me how relieved he was to get an A-, I log on to check my grade. . . the sight of the only B+ among rows of As for the Spring semester appears. . . my heart drops and my voice quivers as I try to sound normal talking to him. As soon as he hangs up, I burst into tears.

Here I am crying with no one to talk to. All these thoughts are running through my head. . . whether that point deduction made all the difference. . . whether I even have the energy to read for tomorrow's class. . . whether I even want to make dinner. . . whether I should just cry and drink some wine until I forget about how sad I feel. . .

Then it hit me. . . about 5 minutes later after I sobbed all over my tax book. . . am I really crying over a B+? When did I raise my standards so high that I'm literally crying over a B+?! If I weren't me I'd slap me across the face with my 20 pound federal income tax textbook! Nonetheless, I will commemorate those 5 minutes of raised standards and expecting nothing but the best from myself. I've worked so hard and acing even my hardest class is more than I can ask for (remember all those posts of feeling stupid in Corporate Tax? well I got my Elle Woods ending with an A in that class).

It's been a really rough and hard road for me. The long grueling weeks of finals, followed immediately with one week of the Law Review write-on, followed immediately with this intensive Tax LLM...

As my tax professor tells me: "Don't focus on the trees . . . for you'll lose sight of the forest."

Its been nonstop work...

“I hated every minute of training, but I said,

‘Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.”’

- Muhammad Ali