First Day of Work!

Quick update on Int. #4? It went great! Still waiting for a callback for a second interview, but it really doesn't matter at this point. I started my first day of work yesterday and I believe I have found my niche.

It felt pretty surreal yesterday. I was able to attend the monthly video conference meeting full of seniors and partners (I was the only young intern there too). It was like in the movies, where important people would sit at a long table and at the end was a big video screen split into blocks, with different offices in different cities, and the partner would be on the main screen. I was thinking "wow, I feel so important." Better yet, I understood every single thing that was discussed. However, unlike the movies, the few women in the office weren't beautiful and in classic tweed suits and Manolos. Rather they were the total opposite- no makeup, dressed in plain black with cheap looking one inch heels. . . Nonetheless, they were intelligent and obviously belonged to this think tank of men.

Later on the day, the senior associate had me sit in on another phone call to discuss his client issue with the partner. What do you know- I had read a case regarding the exact similar issue. Hard work and paying attention in class really does pay off. . .  

Starting this week I will be juggling part time work with full time school, but it will all be worth it. My goals starting now?

Drink as much coffee as it takes to
  (1) Own every project I'm assigned and prove that I can move up the ladders quickly
  (2) Wake up at 6:30 am each morning and still dress fab for work
  (3) Keep up with the international news so I can talk to all the senior people about FTCs, CFCs, FBARs, FATCs, and all those acronyms-  like it's no big deal.

We were given a personal laptop and. . . a bulky black BACKPACK to carry it with. . . wow- total drab. In search for a cute laptop bag!

I'm sure my laptop would fit snugly in a Birken. . .
Olivia Palermo

Interview #4

I would like to thank God . . .
Yijia Cheng

So honored! One of the Big 4 this time! Wish me luck next Wednesday!

. . .

It's that time of the month again. . . I feel extremely emotional and weighed down. I have tons of things on my to do list, but I would much rather just sit here and stare into space. Cant. Move.

check mate

Over the last couple weeks I started playing Chess (on my iphone) and I have become rather addicted to it. I am naturally a competitive person so I hate losing, and chess has been proven to be a major challenge for me. It's interesting in that, unlike other games, every move has certain consequences. You have to be able to predict your opponents next couple moves and you have to strategize on, not only how to protect your King but, how to attack the opponent's King. In a lot of ways, I can relate this back to economics and international tax. . . Hmmm, I'll save that for a rainy, idle day (doubtful).

I have become invincible when it comes to Scrabble. Now my new challenge to take on.

Happy Monday! Good day so far, although Mondays are my long days.

Love,

Nat

Offer Accepted

10:10 a.m. Throwing on my heels to rush out the door to head to a wedding

10:13 a.m. Phone rings from a 949 area code. . . I know what that means. . . I let it go straight to voicemail

10:24 a.m. Rushing to the check into the cruise ship as I return the call.

10:27 a.m. I got an offer!

As the day went on, I enjoyed glasses after glasses of champagne. . .celebrating this new matrimonial relationship I will be having with this new career.

In a couple of weeks I start as a part time intern. . . out to prove that I'm ready to squeeze the corporate world into any crevices left of my school schedule. It's going to be hell, but when has coffee and energy drinks not been enough to pull me through anything? Come December- my future will unfold before me as I'm sure an offer will be waiting for me. Of course in the interim, I will make sure that I have more opportunities to fall on in case things fall apart.

I never planned this and never imagined something this great can fall on my lap. The stars really are lining up for me this time and I am so grateful.

Love,

Nat

"So no one told you life was gonna be this way. . ."

I met with the tax partner today and he was surprisingly nice! I didn't realize it until today, but instead of me trying to sell myself to the firm, I really felt as though they were trying to sell their firm to me! It was not at all an interview like I thought, where the executives try to make you sweat and see if you crack under pressure. . . It was more like a Q&A and I was asking all the questions. It does help that I have a JD and LLM under my belt at the end of the year ;)

I am actually confident that they will send me an offer! The offer however will be for the internship position and if they like my work I will inevitably be extended a full time offer as a - get this. . . a SENIOR TAX ASSOCIATE! "Senior!" I know! I have never felt so sure about my career and where I belong. I'm sure the work will be hard and challenging but I know I have so much to contribute and so much potential! Assuming I get this position, I will still nonetheless keep my options open with the Big 4. So that's the great news. The light at the end of the tunnel has never felt so much closer.

I celebrated the end of the day with a Friends marathon. Yes, I have the entire 10 seasons and have watched it all during rough patches in my life- it just happened to be on tv tonight. . . Nonetheless, it's the one series that still makes me laugh. What's ironic is that Friends started out as a group of friends in their 20s, trying to figure out who they are and struggling to figure out their career paths. As the seasons progress, and they reach their 30s or 40s, they have their careers set but they face different struggles. . . It's not to say that I've figured out my career, but I feel as though I'm on season 2. . . slowly coming into fruition of myself and having a good idea of direction.

I remember my post college years while I worked at Bloomingdale's, I was soo depressed and lost. I was watching Friends for hours and hours just to get away from the dreadful reality of how a graduate with two degrees can end up wrapping hundreds of Christmas gifts for big clients in a small little room on the upper floor of Bloomingdale's. Of course fast forward a year, I ended up at another company stuck in front of a computer all day doing the same repetitive task. . . and then I started this blog and tried to take life by the horns and create a game plan to steer me in the direction I wanted to be.

Then as my blog progressed and I'm still set on this path- I am right where I want to be. . .

Trust me, no matter how much I complain, I am truly soaking up all these struggles that will eventually make me become the person I want to become. I know, I know, it's about the journey and not the destination. I definitely don't want to know that my twenties flew out the door before I even had a chance to embrace it.

If I don't proceed this entry with a celebratory "I got the offer!" entry. . . then something is definitely wrong. . . because pigs will be flying outside my window if that's the case. That confident.

Anyways, I have a wedding to attend tomorrow- it's on a cruise ship, so it should be fun. Then I have a long weekend of school work.

Love,

Nat

"Under Pressure"

Preparing for judgment day tomorrow evening...

I really thought that winning the hearts and minds of the director and senior associate in the first round of interviews was the hardest part, but based on my research. . . the final round with the Tax Partner may possibly be a lot harder and more intimidating than expected. Commercial awareness and the ability to cope under pressure seem to be the prevailing themes in the final round. . .

Commercial awareness? Um... I hope scratching the service of any relevant news article will help me get through this. Perhaps my daily commute with CNN will stick a couple buzz words in my head. Nonetheless, I am printing out tons of news articles about international tax to skim through and highlight tonight after class. Highlighting and making side notes help me retain information a lot easier than merely reading it online.

Coping under pressure? Hmm that was my theme song throughout UCLA, but little did I know how much harder things would get as life progresses ("It's the terror of knowing what the world is about"). Note to self: stay positive and don't let them see you sweat.

So in between all my school work, preparing for my interviews take up the rest of my life. . . I really hope and pray that this one is it. . . and after landing this job, it'll be smooth sailing into the horizon. At least in terms of finding a post grad job.

Yes! Made it to the next round of interviews! So close, yet so far!

My interview yesterday went so much better than I anticipated! This position was also so much better than I expected! It's a permanent position which would allow me to be a part time intern and, once I pass the bar, I can transition into becoming a full time INTERNATIONAL TAX ASSOCIATE! The best part is the firm is trying to grow its International Tax department and if I get the job, there would be so much room for growth! Better yet- I would be able to take on my own projects early on! I realized that if I worked at the Big 4, I would be merely another number in the system, at my own little corner, doing compliance work; however, this firm (being #5) will give me the hands on experience and responsibility I've been wanting. I left the interview with a really good feeling that both lawyers really liked me. . . but nothing is set in stone yet. . .

Just think. . . wouldn't it be awesome to know that I've secured a job already when graduation isn't for another 8-9 months? Fingers crossed.

interview #3

In a couple hours I'm off to my interview for an international tax position that I want oh-so-desperately! So bad that I reread all my essays that I wrote for my international tax classes and tried to catch up as much as I possibly can in the intricate world of FBARs, FATCAs, and of course transfer pricing. The fact that I get excited reading about arm's length parental guarantees to their subsidiaries and the intentional ambiguity of transfer pricing regulations not set forth by the IRS means it's definitely my calling. Although this is an internship position, it's the foot in the door that can land me that post grad job! But of course, I also need to look at this interviewing process as a two way street. It may not be all that I hype it up to be because, after all, I have yet to meet an interesting and glamorous tax lawyer. . .

Higher Standards (interview #2)

I just had an interview earlier this morning for a government tax externship position for the Spring semester.

Conclusion: I will not settle for working in the public sector. I lied to myself when I said this was the path I wanted to take because working with the IRS last year was "so great." Truth be told, the people are boring and look boring and there's no life in their depressing office. My first job out of law school should be at a place where I can be challenged, all the while feel ALIVE. I don't know if my interview was so awkward because the person interviewing me didn't ask questions but stared at me to make conversation or if it was me trying to convince him that researching tax penalties and procedures was so exciting. . . No way.

Nonetheless, my next interview is on Friday for a prestigious accounting firm for a paid intern position in the Fall! The great thing about this internship is (1) it's international tax, (2) it's a great firm, (3) it's paid and flexible around my school schedule and most importantly (4) it may land me a job post grad (not to mention they have an office in Irvine as well). So I will prepare strategically for that.

I need to set a higher bar for myself and not settle for less because of this depressing economy. I have to admit that I am better situated than a lot of other law students because of my Tax LLM and my tax credentials that I worked so hard to build up- all within the last 2 years (and still going). I can land a position at a Big 4 accounting firm (if not a next tier firm) as a Tax Associate- and I am out to do just that . . .

So far, balancing the beginning of the school year with an active job search has been a bit tiring, but the interviews coming in are making me feel confident. I just need to prove to them that I'm not just qualified on paper, but in person too.

Farewell Summer!

The interview with the firm went pretty well! I thought I was the best I could be. I haven't received a rejection nor a callback from them yet- so that's still pending. I'm not entirely sure I want this position anyways- labor lawyers don't seem as respected and interesting as tax lawyers, based on what the partner told me- nonetheless, an offer would be nice ;)

Then I went on the best 4 day vacation with my family ever! I love Cancun and Me Hotel! It was the perfect recuperation mechanism to get me pumped for my last year. I went out of hibernation and got a nice new tan and a new zest for life.

I'm back in school this week and I realized after 2 years of law school, I've finally broken out of my nervous shell of speaking in front of a large group. After all, my goal for law school is to leave behind the self-conscious valley girl who comes off as the redheaded stepchild that doesn't belong (literally, redheaded) and become the confident redheaded lawyer whose not afraid to speak her mind.

Finally, the breaking news! I just checked my LL.M grades for the summer and guess who got the highest grade in the class?! I did! First Honors! Woohoo! I never even imagined or expected this would happen! I was too scared of just trying to get a decent grade I never expected I would get the highest grade! Pinot and I are celebrating tonight!

In conclusion, unlike a couple months ago in which Summer greeted me with all this bad news and a draining schedule, the end of summer has bid me farewell with the greatest gift I can possibly ask for: a vacation in paradise with my loved ones and top recognition for my hardwork.

So far, so good. I'm ready for my next challenge.

cliff of courage in cancun

Wow.

I never thought this day would come. I am finally finished with tax boot camp. 10 weeks of pure unadulterated torture. The first 2 hours of Partnership tax kicked my ass like a merciless bully beating me when I'm already down (note: 4 hours of sleep, minus 1 due to the bf's dreadful snoring, and on the brink of collapsing but barely saved by the 5 hour energy drink that pulled me through 5 hours of studying this morning followed by another 5 hours of testing). However, the last 2 hours of Corporate tax was like a kind friend making it easy on my bruised corpse to still have hope to walk out of the exam alive and content. Sounds like a bunch of nonsense because I haven't a grain of intelligence left in me at this point.

I have one interview to tackle tomorrow and then my vacation finally starts. . . I'm not going to beat myself up on this one though. There were interviews on campus today and upon seeing the back to back interviews these employers sit through, I think my chances of really landing this job is asymptotically approaching zero. I'm a realist. Not gonna bring my hopes up high just to see it fall hard. Besides, I'm probably going to have to go through tons of interviews to land the final job. Labor law is nice, but tax law is where I belong.

Anyways, each year I get about 1-2 weeks off. I'd say that's enough to recuperate and jump into the next battlefield. . . Learning to live with the stress.

After tomorrow, I finally have the time to dye my hair, do my nails, and shave my legs. I have to admit, it really is hard to be a smart scholar and a sassy socialite at the same time. I'll work on the latter in a year.

Ideally.

choices

interviewing for a law firm is not the equivalent of interviewing for a job at vogue

Just did my mock interview and oh god did I need it. On one side of the table was a poised, charismatic, and eloquent Asian woman. On the other side was a scared, clueless, and I-speak-like-a-teenager Asian girl. Yes, guess which one I was. Although I soaked in all her constructive criticism, and was very glad I did a practice interview before I approached the real thing, my interview confidence feels a little trodden on...okay, a lot trodden on. This transition into the corporate world is going to be difficult. What do they say? Fake it till ya make it. I need to practice professionalism and get that teenage twang out of me= speak like a pretentious British woman, not a fake California girl.

Wouldn't it be ironic if years from now I become exactly this woman I sat across from? She came from the same school I did and years later is a partner of her law firm. She's probably in her early 50s but wow does she look like the stress never aged her.

Inspired.

new title: "ballofstress 'n blahness"

I finally finished 1 of 2 exams yesterday. I pushed myself through the 4 hours+ of frantic, nonstop typing and made it through an hour of LA traffic, but when I finally reached the elevator of my apt. . . it all fell apart. I started to feel nauseous and I spent the rest of the night in bed with a headache. At first I was mad that I couldn't physically get out of bed to prepare for my mock interview later this evening, then I felt upset that I wouldn't have time to get all the studying done for my next exam, then I felt frustrated that I've been spending my life booking my calendar with goals and events that can make a normal person go crazy. When I finally stop worrying about one exam, I start to worry about being prepared for a mock interview (yes, a "mock" interview- it's not even the real thing), then on top of that, I start worrying about my exam next Monday, and to top it off, I freak out about how I won't be prepared for the interview of a lifetime on Tuesday. . . all this just added to the pounding sensation in my head. All I could do was lie in bed and cry until the pain went away and the voice inside my head would shut up. Quitting was never an option. . .why? because I reach the point where I want to raise the white flag always when victory is near. Never at the beginning and never at the midpoint, but always towards the end.

Nonetheless, I have a schedule full of things to do for the next 2 weeks, tons of studying and preparing to do today and I just needed to vent and calm myself down.

I keep thinking opportunity cost. What am I foregoing when I spend my days focused on landing a stable profession for the rest of my life? It's like selling my soul to the devil for 3 years to get to heaven. . . and I'm not even sure it's gonna be heaven outside these colorful Loyola walls. . . I just hope I won't regret all this and wonder what I did with my early twenties. . .

Childhood Memories

I remember in 6th grade I found this "After Awhile" poem in one of my self-help books and I was so inspired by it that I made a poster, decorated with childish drawings of flowers and doodles and stuck it up on my ceiling, right above my bed.

With every fight my parents had and with every growing pains I felt through my awkward years. . .

"And you begin to accept your defeats

with your head up and your eyes ahead,

With the grace of a woman,

Not the grief of a child"

With all the failed plans and goals I made for myself to be the woman I wanted to become. . .

"And you learn to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and

futures have a way of falling down in mid flight

. . . I was able to wake up every morning with the warmth of this mantra and put aside all my yesterdays and start anew.

“Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul

instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers”

I guess my years of independence all stemmed from that little poster.

"And you learn that you really can endure,

that you are really strong,

and you really do have worth"

I have to say that although I do wish he was here to tell me how paternal-ly proud he is of how far I've come from that timid little girl with big dreams and no mentor. . .

"And you learn and you learn

With every goodbye you learn"

we've tried.

“This is a good sign, having a broken heart.

It means we have tried for something.”

— Elizabeth Gilbert

Big Fish

I am excited to say that I got an interview with one of the most prestigious law firms in the field of labor law through OCI!

I was so excited with the opportunity of just interviewing for the job, that I got carried away- imagining that the recruiting partner and I would engage in such a lovely conversation about TARP and excessive executive compensation (as it relates back to my research assistant position) that he would tell me how intelligent and charismatic I was and how he would love to have me as part of their firm, then I would receive an offer shortly after with a fat compensation package, then I would break the great news to all my friends and family, and we would pop champagne bottles like they do in the movies and . . . yes, a girl can only dream. . .

I mean, it's just an interview right? And how many smart people am I competing with? It's not just the girl that sits next to me in tax class that's also in law review and was a judicial extern, but I'm competing with every other Ivy Leaguer out there, who is by far a lot more qualified in every aspect of their lives than little O.C. me. . . so that thought splat the ethereal daydream bubble forming over my head.

So here I am. I need to pull my thoughts away from the future and bring it back to the realities of stock dividends and corporate liquidations. Although this interview is for the ideal job because of the GREAT pay and the fact that it's located in Irvine- I need to remember how many applications and interviews an entry level student has to apply to and interview for before she's lucky enough to land THE job.

I am naive at times and, like I mentioned before, every event has always been the be all and end all for me.

Passion when it matters and nonchalance when it doesn't...

So I need to focus my energy on finals, which is for the next 2 weeks. My interview is in 3 weeks.

I may be a little Loyola Goldfish in an ocean of Rainbow Fishes and Ivy League Sharks, but that's not going to stop me now is it?

the load

"It's not the load that breaks you down.

It's the way you carry it."

- Lena Horne

"Go ahead, throw vanity out the window"

While idly reading my facebook stream updates earlier today I stumbled across an old friend's sister's profile status which linked to her blog (oh the degrees of separation in our social networks nowadays). She had shared with the world that she was making the conscious decision of not only donating her long locks, but that she was shaving her head to raise money and demonstrate her solidarity with kids who have cancer (via St. Baldrick's Foundation, which raises money to fund research in finding the cure for children's cancer). I was so flabbergasted (for lack of a better word) that any girly girl, especially the girls I know from Orange County, would ever do such a thing in her lifetime! It's one thing to cut off your hair but you're in an entirely different group to shave off your head for charity. The beautiful thing is it didn't take an affected person in her family or group of friends for her to do what she is doing. This is all entirely out of the goodness of her heart, for the sake of children who were not as fortunate to be dealt the same cards as us.

What are mere follicles on our heads when we've been blessed to live decades of such fulfilling lives, to experience emotions that uplifts us to those that pains us, compared to these young children who have barely graced the planet earth and are fighting just to stay on it to live to experience all the things we take for granted?

A woman who can rise above the societal influence of that vanity that pollutes our society today, and can step out of her own shoes and into the shoes of the less fortunate is the woman I aspire to become. Albeit a donation was all I had the courage to do, I am sure there are many different paths to get to that path of true selfless compassion.

the best laid plans of mice and men often go astray

So I failed at my last goal.

So what?

It's far behind me at this point.

I can't win them all.

To wallow in my successes and not get swallowed in my failures should be an all too familiar part of growing up by now.

I have my next big goal to attack: ace my LLM exams.

They're in less than a month so I should get out of this rut and not have one failure shut out subsequent hopes for future successes.

The finish line is near and then I'll get my couple weeks of break to revive for the next big challenge of 3L.

Cancun Countdown: 4 weeks, 6 days.

DVF

"The most important relationship you have in your life. . .

is the relationship you have with yourself."

— DVF

Bummed.

So I've been waiting for the results of Law Review and today was supposed to be THE day that invitations get emailed out. . . I couldn't sleep last night because I was so anxious. I kept refreshing my email the whole day today to see if there were any signs. . . it's 7:25pm. . . the end of today. . . still no email. Since class ended I've been studying the whole time for the last 3 hours. . . the feeling of defeat is slowly eating me inside and I'm trying hard to focus on what's important at hand: BTI homework. . .

I'm only human, so I can only put up with the nonchalance for so long. I know I can't win every battle I jump into. Every victory my heart beats as though it were on the verge of an attack. Every defeat it drops out of my chest on the verge of death. It's so hard to maintain neutrality, you know?

Well, right now it's currently feeling major defeat. There's a spark of hope that I'll get an invitation later tonight and if I'm lucky, a second-hand invitation tomorrow. However, I'm trying to slowly cope with it so I can start fresh tomorrow and not let it weigh me down. It's not the end of the world- there are other means of getting my foot in the door for jobs and it doesn't always mean having Law Review on my resume right? That can't be the make-all, break-all. I can't always push myself over the edge after result.

. . . Just got news that Frankie (family dog) just died. . . wow. Okay I am moping over all the wrong things.

Bye.

Hidden Progress

I was just thinking just the other day about how I use this blog as a medium for complaining about my daily journeys through the rough roads of school and politics. I guess somewhere along the way I forgot that the premise of Politiks n' Blahniks was to track my progress through this complex world that I had once knew absolutely nothing about. I guess when I finally started my journey I was taking in so much material that I didn't have to time to just sit down and regurgitate the things I learned or reflect on the complexities that baffled me. Blogging became nonsensical and a mindless getaway...

Nonetheless, although this blog has not accurately reflected my actual transformation into the other side- it's all there.

Like my very first entry, I wouldn't have been able to carry on a conversation about politics and the economy with anyone (despite my economics degree background), but I can talk about fashion and celebrity gossip like it was no big deal (reflective of my secondary degree, Sociology - the study of being social. . .supposedly). I think the final trigger of becoming more politically savvy and worldly was on this particular sunny afternoon a year ago. . . I was sitting outside during break and a group of law students were talking to each other. I was minding my own business and trying to catch up for the day's reading. I suddenly heard "blah blah Abu Dhabi blah blah." My eye's lit up and I was thinking to myself "ooh this is much more interesting than ConLaw, they're talking about Sex and the City 2" (which recently came out the same month) so I decided to ease drop to see what they thought of the movie. I didn't hear Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha or Miranda. . .

... Of course, of course- they were talking about the Abu Dhabi government. . . my interested smile turned into a dumbfounded frown and that turned into a realization event to take action. Of course I would never have known there was a place called "Abu Dhabi" had it not been for SATC 2. . . here I was thinking it was a make believe place too good to be true all for Carrie to bump into Aidan and be tempted to cheat on Big... pooh

That was then. . . In the last couple of years I have become more familiar with the wonderful world of the news. I have managed to squeeze in the daily news to educate myself in between the crevices of my down time.

• First thing in the morning, I wake up to my alarm and go onto Facebook where I have streamed the Huffington Post and the Daily Beast onto my newsfeed. I browse merely the titles to wake me up and fall out of bed.

• My daily commute from LB to LA consists of CNN radio and Bloomberg (when CNN becomes too engrossed into petty or gory criminal news).

• In between my class breaks I skim through my RSS or Bloglovin' feed for a visual break from the I.R.C.

• After a long day of class, I recuperate by watching The View (daily DVR, of course) and vegging out for half an hour. . .and then I jump back into studying.

At the end of the night, if I have time and still have room in my brain for more educational indulgences, I watch political or economic documentaries, which I have become extremely fond of! Although I am aware that most are biased and one-sided, I still watch it religiously and take in everything.

So there you have it, what I actually have been doing the last year, beyond my complaints of exhaustion. . .(now that I think about it, maybe that's why my brain is so fried by the end of the day to blog about anything). . .

This entry was actually meant to lead in to my new goal of writing about all the documentaries I have been watching, to summarize and discuss the impact it has on society- I guess that entry will have to wait for another day, but as a note to self, these are a list of the ones I will eventually review (if I have the time at all)

1. Too Big to Fail (HBO film/documentary) (Rate: 5/5)
2. Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room (Rate: 4/5)
3. Freakonomics (Rate: 2/5)
4. Food, Inc. (Rate: 4/5)
5. King Corn (Rate: 3/5)
6. Food Matters (Rate: 2/5)
7. Supersize Me (Rate: 3/5)

Enough for today- study time.

Love, Nat

Cancun countdown: 6 weeks...

After the Storm...there's an Island

After I posted the "M is for Me" post, I begged the BF for a short vacation before I start my 3L year. He eventually agreed and ironically he suggested this resort called ME hotel (what a coincidence!)

I have been working and going to school nonstop that I really feel like a well-deserved vacation has to be somewhere close within the horizon. Of course he complained that my yearly vacation was making me spoiled. . . thinking about it, it's possibly true (Yr 1: Catalina Islands; Yr 2: Costa Rica; Yr 3: Bahamas; Yr 4: Vietnam; Yr 5: Virgin Islands. . .) We're on our 6th year... so Cancun awaits...

I have to admit that although I take on an overwhelming load during the year, a little vacation come summer always revives my batteries and I can keep going at it for another year with the same load (if not heavier), but the cycle goes on and the work gets harder. Nonetheless, I feel like I do become more malleable and it's harder to reach that breaking point when I know that ball of stress that grows bigger and bigger towards the end of the year will eventually avalanche into a nice, sunny island somewhere far from California.

Destination: ME Cancun Hotel.

Countdown: 6 weeks, 4 days...

Love,

Nat

M is for Me.

Fingers crossed that the bf will agree to a short vacay in August (post LLM program and pre 3L) . . . somewhere sandy and sunny. . .

Mimosas in the morning,

Mojitos in the afternoon,

Merlot at night

Listening to Marley all day long . . .

(Buffalo soldier...)

Nice tan, sun-bleached hair, getting high . . . (on life, of course)

Love,

Daydreamer

elle woods

"Law school is for people who are boring, and ugly, and…serious.

And you, Button, are none of those things."

– Elle's father

Brooke Shields

"And success, I believe, comes in a myriad of packages and with various types of wrapping. Please continue to aim high and strive for your best, but learn to embrace, and revel in, your unique successes. Compare not to others. This will be difficult but valuable, I promise." -Brook Shields at Princeton's 2011 Commencement

"[Education is] the thing that can't be taken away from you. We're in an industry where [things] gets taken from you all the time . . . because you're never good enough; no matter where you are or who you, there's somebody better, younger, or whatever. Education helped me have my own sense of self." -Brooke on The View

Educated and beautiful women inspire me and answer the "why?" for me each day. . .

Sick.

Went shopping with my mom yesterday and saw this gorgeous orange pleated Halston dress on sale for $299! I wanted so badly to buy it and am still thinking about it today... but- as usual... must talk myself out of buying something I won't have any opportunity to wear... Life's a bore. Maybe one day I can be like Bradshaw and prance around town in gowns like it's no big deal

...one day...

Anyways, celebrated BF's birthday with his friends and family yesterday and feeling extremely sick today... trying to study, but this runny nose, dry cough, and headache is getting the best of me...

Forever Young

‎"Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. . .

We grow old by deserting our ideals...

Years may wrinkle the skin,

but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul."

“You spend 90% of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10% trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” ~Robert Brault

Life Lesson? I need to stop complaining that I need a break- I can rest when I'm dead. My twenties are the years in which I need to work the hardest to build a platform for the rest of my life and the years in which I need to play the hardest to soak in the remainder of my youth!

. . . Although I'm not sure how accomplishing both things is physically possible with my schedule. . . But seriously, ever since I started Law School all I've been doing is complaining, complaining. Boyfriend's right, nobody likes a Negative Nancy.

Speaking of aging, I forgot about my old Xanga. . . and reading it again after 3 years is kind of refreshing...

http://lecocouturecafe.xanga.com/ Very amateur, but I love it indeed.

Who I Was.

I'm starting to have random mental Polaroids of things I've done in the past- of the small gestures I've made or the stupid things I've said. I find myself experiencing feelings of embarrassment, and the awkward discomfort of "why did I do that?" Although they were all minor and no big deal, I reflected on why I was thinking about all this stuff suddenly and why I didn't realize at the time time how unlike me to say or do those thing. I'm speaking in the abstract because it's not the substance of what came to me that actually really matters, but just the whole concept of what was going on.

I've come to realize how being stubborn all these years, of always justifying my actions and words, are signs of me being childish. I guess growing up is knowing when and why to change for the better. For example, I've come to realize that when I try so hard to be the girl that stands out, be it superficially, or intellectually, I set myself up for self-castigation. I'll always question why I'm not prettier than her or why I'm not smarter than him. Or worst, I'll find reasons to put someone down just so I can make myself feel like I'm better. Being a girl in this society, where everyone seems like they're competing to look younger or more enhanced, and being the first to be in the know of the latest trends, I found myself stuck in that mentality, and the more I keep thinking how am I going to catch up, I dig a deeper hole a lot of young girls are stuck in. I admit that turning 25 made me feel "old" and it cascaded into fears of getting wrinkles and cellulite, and knowing how there's always going to be someone younger and smarter and cuter. . . If my boyfriend was reading this he would blame this sudden high level of estrogen on my "monthly visitor." whatever.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I should start rolling all this competitive and jealous energy into a ball and throw it out the window every time I find myself rationalizing why I'm right and the other person is wrong, or what kind of flaws I can find in the next perfect girl that makes me feel like an insecure blob, or something stupid like that. I guess it's a flaw we all have but few can admit to...

Growing up, I have always immersed myself in cheesy self-help books and inspirational quotes that I guess somewhere along the way I felt those values were embodied in me and that I was this Mother Teresa, but in reality my personality and values actually became lackluster. It was like preaching the things I believed, but didn't have squat to show for. I was too busy trying to put the pieces of my relationships I had with family, friends, school, and my career into place that I had all form and no substance (yes, and in the tax world, we all know how important substance is. . .). So coming to this realization now, I'm going to try to be more aware so that I can one day embody the values that can make me strong, resilient and empathetic to the human condition and to myself.

Okay, my break is over- back to the hell I call Partnership Tax.

Love,

Nat

3 weeks down. 8 more to go.

Complaining about Corporate Tax was so juvenile, in hindsight, compared to the hells of Partnership Tax.

I still need a vacation, despite the gloomy 60 degree summer.

Love. As We See It and As We Want to See It.

Recap. Anthony Weiner. John Edwards. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Tiger Woods. The list goes on. Instead of expressing all this disgust and hate towards these douche bags, I'm going to try to take this in a different direction.

I've been listening to CNN on my commute to class every morning, and each morning I hear about all these political sex scandals thats been going on. First, Edwards is having an affair while his wife is going through chemo and then after she dies he's indicted for using campaign funds to support his mistress. Then, Arnold has a love child. Then, Weiner is showing his wiener all over the web to strange women. The other day a sex psychologist came on the air to try to "understand" why these high powered men do what they do. She says it's the high levels of testosterone that sexualizes these men and brings out the risk taker in them and then there's their natural ability as politicians to rationalize everything they do. I was thinking, ok . . . I guess that makes sense.

Today I read on the Daily Beast an article about rethinking monogamy. During my extra long commute today, I zoned out and kept thinking about that article. The author claims that mammals are naturally non-monogamous. People cheat and can't stay with one person for a long time or they feel tempted to be with a different person while they're with one person because it's in our blood, as mammals. She argues that the institution of marriage and exclusivity for life is something that human beings unsuccessfully try to strive for and force upon ourselves. As a result, we go against our natural state and when we fall back on it by cheating, we are merely acting "naturally." She argues not to end the institution of marriage, but to rethink it. She gives stats on swingers and polyamorous relationships and all that stuff. So how did I absorb all this?

Okay, well it all dawned on me of what I've experienced these past 25 years. First, my boyfriend of almost 7 years has (emotionally) cheated on me five years ago. Although he says he's a rehabilitated man and I forgave him, it still lingers in our arguments. Second, my parents are divorced. Why? My dad never told us (obviously), but my theory has always been he wanted freedom from the constraints of family. He wanted to be free so that he can give into his carnal urges without being judged. Lets just leave it at that. Third, I'm surrounded by news of celebrity sex affairs. Fourth, divorce is at the highest rate it has ever been. Fifth, the town where I grew up has become filled with "coffee shops" with young girls who strut around in literally nothing, serving coffee to old, married men who gawk at them, and of course the inevitable result of infidelity.

We learn and form our judgments based on our surroundings and what our parents teach us. My dad (through his actions) taught me that men are dirty, immoral cowards. My mom has told me many times that love is not forever and that a guy can be in love with you on hands and knees one day and the next year, month, or week, he can fall right out of love with you and devote his feelings to the next girl he meets. So now if you ask me what I make of all this- I would have told you, perhaps earlier this morning when I was stuck on the 110 freeway, that I don't believe in love and marriage anymore and was actually contemplating being an unmarried divorce lawyer. This was a hard thing for me to grapple with because I've always believed so strongly in building your own family and growing old with a life partner.

However, I have now snapped out of all this and am thinking more rationally (or so I'd like to believe). I think that although our "mammal instincts" directs us to the path of polygamy, the ability to selflessly respect our partner and to not give into every carnal desire is what separates us from animals. We've built an institution revolved around what's moral and immoral and what's right and what's wrong. Why turn our backs on it now just because we've become disillusioned at how many failed marriages and relationships have unfolded before us? Perhaps everyone I meet may have cheated or will cheat, but I can't make that my norm. I'm writing about all this because I have the tendency to give up on love and marriage a couple times, and I'm trying to remind myself to "be the change I want to see in the world." Yes, Gandhi believed that mankind can reach the point of sexual self control. In today's world, it seems like such a godly thing to do . . . but of course, there's hope.

I have my fingers crossed that I only get one of these babies in my lifetime...

Love,

Nat.

Rest is for the Weary. . .

I was happily reading for class until Mark calls me and tells me our final grade for ConLaw is posted. You see, I have been waiting anxiously for this grade only because I had an administrative point deducted from my cellphone going off during the exam (it's unfair and the punishment is far too harsh. . .but what can I do. . .). As Mark is telling me how relieved he was to get an A-, I log on to check my grade. . . the sight of the only B+ among rows of As for the Spring semester appears. . . my heart drops and my voice quivers as I try to sound normal talking to him. As soon as he hangs up, I burst into tears.

Here I am crying with no one to talk to. All these thoughts are running through my head. . . whether that point deduction made all the difference. . . whether I even have the energy to read for tomorrow's class. . . whether I even want to make dinner. . . whether I should just cry and drink some wine until I forget about how sad I feel. . .

Then it hit me. . . about 5 minutes later after I sobbed all over my tax book. . . am I really crying over a B+? When did I raise my standards so high that I'm literally crying over a B+?! If I weren't me I'd slap me across the face with my 20 pound federal income tax textbook! Nonetheless, I will commemorate those 5 minutes of raised standards and expecting nothing but the best from myself. I've worked so hard and acing even my hardest class is more than I can ask for (remember all those posts of feeling stupid in Corporate Tax? well I got my Elle Woods ending with an A in that class).

It's been a really rough and hard road for me. The long grueling weeks of finals, followed immediately with one week of the Law Review write-on, followed immediately with this intensive Tax LLM...

As my tax professor tells me: "Don't focus on the trees . . . for you'll lose sight of the forest."

Its been nonstop work...

“I hated every minute of training, but I said,

‘Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.”’

- Muhammad Ali