Rest is for the Weary. . .

I was happily reading for class until Mark calls me and tells me our final grade for ConLaw is posted. You see, I have been waiting anxiously for this grade only because I had an administrative point deducted from my cellphone going off during the exam (it's unfair and the punishment is far too harsh. . .but what can I do. . .). As Mark is telling me how relieved he was to get an A-, I log on to check my grade. . . the sight of the only B+ among rows of As for the Spring semester appears. . . my heart drops and my voice quivers as I try to sound normal talking to him. As soon as he hangs up, I burst into tears.

Here I am crying with no one to talk to. All these thoughts are running through my head. . . whether that point deduction made all the difference. . . whether I even have the energy to read for tomorrow's class. . . whether I even want to make dinner. . . whether I should just cry and drink some wine until I forget about how sad I feel. . .

Then it hit me. . . about 5 minutes later after I sobbed all over my tax book. . . am I really crying over a B+? When did I raise my standards so high that I'm literally crying over a B+?! If I weren't me I'd slap me across the face with my 20 pound federal income tax textbook! Nonetheless, I will commemorate those 5 minutes of raised standards and expecting nothing but the best from myself. I've worked so hard and acing even my hardest class is more than I can ask for (remember all those posts of feeling stupid in Corporate Tax? well I got my Elle Woods ending with an A in that class).

It's been a really rough and hard road for me. The long grueling weeks of finals, followed immediately with one week of the Law Review write-on, followed immediately with this intensive Tax LLM...

As my tax professor tells me: "Don't focus on the trees . . . for you'll lose sight of the forest."

Its been nonstop work...

“I hated every minute of training, but I said,

‘Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.”’

- Muhammad Ali

Long Week...

Lacking the glamour in my life...

"a girl can dream"

Welcome to my summer

Fresh flowers.

Daily Bread.

Life.

Morning commute.

Summer fun...

Not in the sun...

Change

"I've been afraid of changing, 'cause I've built my life around you ..."

A couple days after Valentine's day and a couple days before I turn 25... I'm lost as to what I want out of us... How is change welcomed when I've let it out for over 6 years...

Embarrassed...

What is embarrassment, but an opportunity to reassess myself and improve!

I will laugh at this 5 years from now...

Redemption

I've been meaning to document a snippet of my existence on Monday, but didn't have the time to. It is a day too late to feel the instant sense of excitement, but nonetheless never too early to embrace the irony of that day. Well, as you can tell, I have been feeling like the dumbest person in my Corporate Tax class and have been trying so hard to just be on par with the rest of the crowd or at least feel as though I deserve to be in the same room as them. Well, what do you know. The day we study Redemption (of corporate stocks) was the day I felt REDEEMED. I didn't answer the Professor's questions correctly when he engaged in his typical Socratic methods… rather, I corrected the Professor. Yes, when the words "Sorry about that, I made a mistake… thank you" vibrated through the room, I felt a sense of entitlement and strength. I did a good job of hiding it through my fatigued façade (since I spent the night reviewing the details of that days lesson)… but I felt the fireworks inside! To top it off, for the very first time, most of the student were not able to answer his questions and I knew all of them (of course, I kept that to myself)! So point is… isn't it ironic? A little too ironic that all this fussy frustration yielded a favorable result? Maybe not, but I was feeling the Alanis Morissette...

"Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you when you think everything's okay and everything's going right

And life has a funny way of helping you out when you think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up in your face"

Maybe not a big deal, but a big deal in my books!

Love, Nat

Please Review in 2016...

It's been a rough couple weeks, but I have decided to take a pause from my schedule and discuss my goals for the future. I always believe that whatever card people end up being dealt with in life, we go further when we know where we're going and how we plan to get there. So this is technically a "new year, new you" kind of entry. I am almost a month overdue since 1/1/11, but I wanted to ingrain all this on some tangible medium before I turned the big two-five… which isn't really big at all for the wise whose lived much longer. Then again, every stepping stone is a milestone for me. I don't know how many times in my past I have written a Life Goals list and threw away and rewrote again and again, but nonetheless, I am currently where I want to be (despite my rants and grumbles). So here goes.

Age	Goal
25	JD/LLM in progress
26	Graduate, Pass the bar Work for the IRS for 3 years
27	Work--- Engaged
28	Work ---Married
29	Work---First Kid
30-35	Open Tax Boutique Firm

That's fairly realistic right? I have made the conscious decision of striving to get into the IRS 3-yr Honors Program post grad for many reasons. Mainly for (1) stability so that I can pay off my tuition (which God knows how much I owe and how much interest has accumulated) (2) balance so that I can jumpstart my career yet be able to balance my personal life the first couple years (and the IRS gives people that type of lifestyle, unlike BigLaw firms which I can just forget about having a life and ignore my maternal ticking clock); and (3) experience to later be able to branch out on my own with as much knowledge as possible. Of course I can control getting my degrees and passing the bar (and maybe forcing that boyfriend of mine to save up for a ring already and remind him that he has 2 years to come up with a fairy tale proposal), but everything else- only time, sweat and luck will tell.

So there you have it, my future looks brighter already… I can stop sitting around and wondering what I'm doing and why.

Inspired.

I know I can. I know I can.

Love,

Nat

Odd Girl Out.

Ever since I got into the joint JD/Tax LLM, I have been surrounded by older, wiser and more experienced students in my small classes. Imagine a small classroom of less than 20 people, where everyone either has worked or is working for the Big 4 accounting firms, already has their JD and or CPA, and can answer (if not challenge) the professor's questions without a blink of an eye. I, on the other hand, am still getting my JD and have no accounting background for the life of me. I mean, it was easy in Federal Income Tax 1 to get an A+ when the people around me are at my level… but here, I jumped into a pond of sharks. I study so hard for these tax classes, but no matter how much time and effort I put into it, I still feel like the dumb one in class who doesn't belong. Tax is such an intricate and technical subject (Heck, even Einstein said it was one of the most confusing things to understand) and not everyone can just wake up one day and say "Hey, I think I'm going to be a tax lawyer"…. Ummm, but that's exactly what I did. I so desperately want to just take the easy way out and be a normal lawyer with a plain vanilla JD degree… but a big part of me knows I can do it, even if it takes looking like the dumbest person in class each day. Today, as I tried to grasp the lecture and the pace of the class , I subconsciously felt like Elle as a whole bunch of Vivians are mocking me (in their heads)… But Elle proved them all wrong right? Right.

Love, Nat

Useless Post.

Oh 2011, how you have creeped up so quickly on me.

I never thought I would turn a quarter century until you finally came. As you await your attack in a month, I have no time to ponder how far I've come and where I'm going. However, because tonight I feel extra emotional (as a result of a swelling wisdom teeth, which I find ironic + that time of the month again + a not surprisingly overwhelming schedule + lack of sleep) I have decided to engage in some self therapy. Even if it means waking up extra early tomorrow to read before my Corporate Tax class.

If you haven't noticed, I barely ever have the time to blog ever since I entered The Other Side. The last time I actually wrote something was in the summer- and even, then I was buried in tons of work. Quick update since then? Progress. I was accepted into my school's Law Review (yay!) but I transferred to a better school (YAY!). I got my first A+ in (who would've thought with all that ranting) Federal Income Tax! I got accepted to my school's 3 year JD/LLM program in Taxation. I am currently gaining more experience with more tax classes, doing VITA, working for the same Tax Attorney, and externing at the IRS. Cheers to progress and opportunities!

Okay, but the reality of it all, is I am burnt out. I finally got home from a long day of class at 11pm and took a shower to refresh to "study some more." However, after I got out of the shower (my only break of the day) I just stared into space. I was exhausted. I was tempted to hide in a corner and cry my eyes out, but I didn't want to waste precious time when I could be reviewing for my early class tomorrow. Yes, I couldn't fit crying into my tight schedule. But here I am. I decided to not bawl like a baby, but to rather act with the grace and poise of a mature adult... and complain to the abysmal online world of everybody and nobody.

I count each of my blessings each night, but oh how it's so hard to step back and see just the forest! All I see are trees and willows pushing me to the ground as I try to navigate my way through it all. What did Leann Womack even mean when she said never "settle for the path of least resistance." Why? Why make life so hard? It's times like these where I wish I had Grandmother Willow to remind me: "All around you are spirits, child. They live in the earth, the water, the sky. If you listen, they will guide you ... sometimes the right path is not the easiest one." But correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Pocahontas ended up leaving her tribe and following her heart to London only to contract smallpox and die? Ok, so that was a useless stream of consciousness.

I realized my initial agenda for this entry was to find hope in it all again, but I have digressed back to my corner. I guess I will have to save the inspirational entry for another day, because I am currently still feeling dull and unspired. Perhaps this recent immersion into the tax world has made me the exact stereotypical epitome of a boring Tax Lawyer with no pizzazz! I cannot let this happen. This transformation cannot lead to a Pocahontas ending. Ok, lack of sleep and delirium has made me bonkers.

I need to find peace and hope again and find it fast.

I call this: At one with Earth and Hermes....

Tired.

I would much rather lie here than read those books . . .

Sleepless in the Summer

Today, I have no epiphanies, nothing intelligent to say, and no inspiration. Today I will complain.

An intense tax class that requires hundreds of pages of reading per week and review to be competitive in a small class of older and more experienced people than myself. A full-time research assistant position for a Dean whose a Harvard scholar who expects nothing but the best and on a subject I know absolutely nothing about- philosophical underpinnings of court rulings on executive compensation? A part time internship for a CPA-Attorney who gives me legal projects I have never dealt with and my need to prove that I can be better than the next intern. A boyfriend who thinks I invest nothing in our relationship. Dwindling friends who never see me anymore. Family who has no idea about half of what I'm going through and three dramatic sisters.

I am overwhelmed.

I always take on more than I can handle and I promise each person that I will give my 110% effort. But there are only so many hours in the day and there is so much I can achieve without burning myself out. When I spread myself so thin, I get mediocre feedback and then that brings me down and the hours I can be working on other projects I use moping and dwelling on why I performed so poorly. So I run in circles chasing my own tail and end up where I started with little progress.

It's easy to go about my life being the next average Jane and just be content with mediocrity, but I choose to be even more and drink more cups of coffee than the average Joe. I'm never content because I never accomplish my list of things because it's always so long and then I kick myself for being so idle by devoting only 15 hrs of my day and not 20 hours. My solution... Don't sleep.

Love,
Negative Natalie

A Heart Shelled Turtle

It seems like worlds away since I was last here. I finally completed my first year of law school and all I can say is... I have no idea what I've gotten myself into. For those nine months I was very robotic and serious. I had pages on pages of to-do lists and I stressed about each and every item until they were complete and replaced by yet another item. I kept checking off those little lopsided squares...but they were never-ending. My hair was getting nappier, my skin was getting paler, my friends were drifting further and my style deteriorating. It was just me and these little square boxes.

A little over a year ago, I had hit the ground running with enthusiasm towards the gates of law school. Recently, I just hit the ground like roadkill. I was exhausted. I had 10 days to recuperate before I started the process again with a summer class, a full-time research assistant and a part time internship.

Those 10 days I spent at the dullest place I know, yet it was the most gorgeous and revitalizing- the Virgin Islands. There was no hustle-bustle of the city...everything was calm...even the ocean waters stayed at peace with gravity. The days were slow and I was bored...but it was perfect. However, my mind wouldn't let me slow down and breathe. Like a war veteran, although I felt like I was home free, the nightmares of the battles kept sneaking into my dreams each night.

I realized that I couldn't live my life like this. There will be many more battles in the road ahead and if I kept letting myself breathe only when I was sipping coffee in the early mornings on the porch of a beach front hotel, I would be dead 99% of the time.

All this dawned on me when the hotel concierge gave me a coupon for a free gift at a local jewelry store. When I went to cash in on the gift- I wasn't sure how to feel...it was a sterling silver necklace of a turtle.

When I was around twelve, I had brought home a baby turtle as a pet. My now estranged father immediately told me to return it from wherever it came from. He superstitiously believed that turtles were slow and bad for business and life. From then on, I hated those slow dumb animals.

So how did I feel about this cute little necklace in my hand of a turtle whose shell was the shape of a heart and whose legs were loose enough to move around?

I was always the hare who tried to race to the finish line, who stared at the end, but never around me. I'm a lot further and closer to my goals but will I be able to finish the race at this pace? Didn't that turtle that I despised before ended up finishing the race AND I'm sure it enjoyed the view on the way there. So point taken, I didn't hesitate to wear the necklace and just like people coming in and out of my life, that anti-turtle notion left me forever too.

I know what path I'm taking and I know the road blocks ahead will be hard to maneuver, but if I kept my pace and learn not to treat trivialities as though they were grave roadblocks and to treat grave roadblocks as though they were trivialities... my heart shell will remain strong and those loose legs will grow stronger.

Love,
Nat

Miss California Controversy

After Prop 8 was passed, there has been a storm of riots and angry voices amongst many Americans who adamantly proposed an appeal to such a proposition of banning same-sex marriages. Some states are hearing the minority cries and in seeing the injustice have legalize same-sex marriages within their own jurisdiction- like Massachusetts, Connecticut, and shortly Iowa and Vermont will be on the road map to progress.

It's unbelievable to me that we can perceive such great and innovative things and come so far technologically, yet our perception of humankind and its institutions can sometimes still be so archaic in values. We think back to the days where we had to fight against racism and the war for interracial marriages, and we still cannot learn our lessons and continue to let history repeat itself until some sort of revolution blows up for people to finally see things in perspective as they should be. We ha ve been socialized to differentiate between physical sexes with this notion of gender (being male or female), and between people in different countries with the idea of nationalities. In striving to make sense of the already complicated world we inhabit by differentiating and categorizing everything, we've only made it all the more difficult to reside in. What is the difference being black, white, or yellow and being male, female or transgendered but mere variations of shapes and colors of the human body? We have only fought against racism and sexism because we have a clear concept of the taboo our society has embedded in those words. So is it thus harder for us to see the immoral offense in homophobia or anti-LGBT because society has not yet created a taboo word for it? What if we labeled it genderism and had that defined as being prejudice against the roles of how a male or female should act or be between each other? Would more and more people come to understand then? I am sure that in a few years the rest of the world will come to see how inhumane this all is.

Digressing a bit, this brings me to the Miss California controversy during the Miss USA pageant. When she was asked how she felt about the legalization of gay marriages, she responded:

"I think it's great that Americans are able to chose one or the other. We live in a land where you can choose same sex marriage or opposite marriage. You know what? In my country and in my family, I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anyone out there; but that's how I was raised and that's how I think, that it should be between a man and a woman. Thank you."

Politically incorrect? Yes. Socially unaccepatable? Yes. Wrong answer? No. It was obvious that this answer lost her the crown, hands down. She was booed by many for being so narrow-minded and applauded by some for being so honest with her own beliefs which may have mirrored their own. This puts things in a whole different arena, because even though we hold the idea of speaking our minds freely, a lot of people become silenced with their ideas and beliefs because of the mass majority. This is not to say that I agree with Miss California or that I felt that she deserved to win (because I don't) but this is about the controversy that has been sparked causing judgment against who she is or may be as a person because she did not go with the majority. This actually creates a paradoxical situation. We believe that everyone is entitled to their own opinions, but we shoot them down when they voice something that goes against the main stream or our own opinions. But in this case, the opinion was a tyrannical one that encouraged the retrogradation of a particular group. So in reverse, because we believe that each individual should have their own opinions and so each state should come to their own conclusions based on a majority vote, sometimes the minority cries are the ones that deserve to be heard. Those cries are anything that may prohibit particular groups from enjoying the same freedoms everyone is entitled to; in which cases, the cries of the "No on Prop 8" was silenced by the "Yes on Prop 8."

Nat

You're Fired!

Today’s entry has nothing to do with increasing unemployment rates or our economy- this has to do with Donald Trump and yesterday’s episode of Celebrity Apprentice.

So for those of you, who did not catch what happened yesterday in the boardroom, T- Boz and Khloe Kardashian were fired…T-Boz for volunteering to be on the chopping block to back up Melissa Rivers (who was the project manager) and Khloe…because she has a DUI…*scratches head*. I must say that this time, the Trump’s reasoning was even more absurd than his hair. Usually he lets them defend themselves to the grueling end, throwing each other under the bus to preserve their spot to continue on with the game, but this time- it was purely Trump’s anecdotes and conclusions for each contestant. He reasoned that since Clint Black and Natalie Gulbis were champions and successful in their own fields of expertise- they deserve to remain on the show…as for Khloe- since she is merely a reality star who has a DUI and also by the way, is trying to win money for her charity (which involves helping those with alcohol and drug abuse), he has just lost respect for her and because of that…she’s fired.

Really?! What happened to it’s nothing personal? It’s all business? Firing Khloe had nothing to do with how she performed on her tasks or anything related at all to what Celebrity Apprentice is all about. He brought up her past, and grilled her for it by embarrassing her and letting her know how much he has a scathing hatred for drunk drivers. His contempt is understandable, but you do not bring someone onto your show knowing that they are trying to clear up their past mistakes- only to butcher their reputation by digging it back up again.

This is something we see repeatedly throughout the media. Recently, a video was leaked in which Joe Biden’s daughter, Ashley, was caught doing cocaine. The intentions of the scandal, was not to attack her personally but her father, who has been campaigning hard against illegal drugs. The media is using this in a way to find fault in his reputation as Vice President more so than as a Father figure first. The same goes for the Clinton and Lewinski scandal whose personal affairs became grounds for attack towards his Presidential platform. On a side note, the same goes for Patti Stanger- the unmarried 48 year old Millionaire Matchmaker.

I really believe that it’s important for people to see a separation of people’s private lives vs. their public lives/professions. One’s public position cannot be judged by their private actions unless it is truly a distractive factor that spills over and influences aspects of their jobs. Do not bring out a politicians daughter just to attack his competency. Do not bring out a contestant’s personal past just to attack her business abilities.

In conclusion, our botox-to-be-like-Barbie and plastic surgery society is a direct epitome of our persistent need to find fault in ourselves and others.

Nat

Another “Senseless” War

I am so frustrated and angered by all the shooting sprees that have been going on lately; the most recent being in New York and in Pittsburg and not to mention the many prior incidents in the last few months. The stories went from disgruntled high school individuals feeling outcasted by their peers to disgruntled adults, feeling outcasted by their community (upon losing their jobs) to find their last resort through acts of homicide and suicide. It breaks my heart to know that we are all living through a second Great Depression and many people do not feel that sense of solidarity to turn to their communities for help. More and more people are unemployed as more and more businesses permanently close their doors behind them…so I can see how it can be difficult for anyone to hold their chin up and see any sort of light for salvation.

New York Governor David Patterson stated that the recent shooting at the Immigration Center was the “the worst tragedy and senseless crime in the history of the city.” I’m sure the incident was irrational and “senseless,” but if this were so, how can so many sane people continue to act upon their grief, uninhibited by any sort of social mores that warns them of the consequences? Perhaps consequences only matter when one can see an overarching string of events that can follow if prevented…but if the road cuts there then what are consequences to them but a mere religious word to an atheist?

It is tough to not only be dealing with two foreign wars and a domestic war to survive in our economy, but it is also a difficult battle we fight within ourselves to have that courage to live through these times with whatever kind of hope and grace we can abstract from the pits of our stomachs. Even if we continue to walk forward and everything behind us and around us falls apart, we still have our future to move towards.

Nat

Vagabond

It’s been an interesting few days, being as free as a bird to do as I please. I feel so relaxed and unbothered by daily tasks and chores…to not be held down by any sort of responsibility or managed by anyone. Yet I feel trapped in my logical mind. I complain that work is such a bore going in and out from 8 to 5, doing the same robotic duties, but now that I have such an empty schedule I feel so unsatisfied.

I’ve learned that the adult world can be mundane in that it is all about standards and set schedules…and I believe I’ve adapted to that world and now being thrown backwards into those college days when it was all about doing as I please- I feel very much so out of my element. I feel the need now to find a routine to grow accustom to…I cannot wake up each morning and just wing it or go with the flow- it doesn’t feel productive or make any sense to me anymore. I can’t enjoy the day just being and spending time with family and friends, I’d much rather be waking up early to go to work and do what I have to do and go home and wrap up the day to start all over again the next day.

Are these indicators of me finally reaching that maturity level in our working society or am I a mere number in confirming Marx’s alienation of labor theory? Have I too become a direct epitome of The Killer’s Dancer- a marionette held down by the strings of the daily grind?

So now I am faced with the question of how I am supposed to enjoy the next few months of my life before lockdown and I just can’t seem to put my finger on it without some sort of strict to-do list. For at least now, I need to get rid of the way my mind functions and strives for order with all those charts and graphs- and perhaps just let loose like a vagabond with no map, like a hippie with no home, like a wanderer with open eyes and an open heart.

 Nat

Not all Labels are Made Equal

I am so happy to find that Disney will go back to their roots and release a traditional cartoon-princess movie by the end of this year! My sisters and I grew up falling in love with Ariel, Aurora, Belle, Snow White, Pocahontas, etc… yet when I started reaching High School, Disney became more technically advanced and teamed up with Pixar for a more 3D approach to their animated creations. It was exciting to watch Disney transform with the times, but a part of me always felt nostalgic for more 2D classics that was such a big part of my childhood.

Upon Googling to find out more about “The Princess and the Frog,” I stumbled across articles and commentary about the new release and was instantly appalled by the petty critiques being made.

Princess Tiana will be the first black princess and it was mentioned that her original name was Princess Maddy and the title of the film was to be “The Frog Princess.” There was an issue with her name being too closely related to that of a slave name and the title would be too discriminating, given she would be the first African American Disney princess. Furthermore, there was also a big issue about Prince Naveen being of a Caucasian descent as opposed to being African American as expected.

Really? How can we call ourselves a big melting pot when now we feel the need to constantly make sure each individual ingredient gets their exact equal share in the mix? When they don’t, it becomes exacerbated until someone is deemed prejudice. Critics believe they are arguing against a racist representation of African Americans, believing that because Prince Naveen is not black, Disney is insinuating that a black Prince is not worthy enough. Why don’t people see that they are progressing from a racially similar couple to a now interracial one? It’s not just Ariel and Eric, Mulan and Shang, Jasmine and Aladdin…

Another issue similar to this was Michelle Obama’s inauguration gown. I was happy to see that she was not only wearing an upcoming young designer like Jason Wu that day, but that he was young and Asian. The next day, I read on The Cut (NY mag) that the Black Artists Association was going to file a complaint to the First Lady for not representing a black designer on such a historic day. I was shocked.

How can we move forward when we make race transparent in every judgment we pass? It’s great that we’ve moved from discriminating times to more accepting times, but that boulder will remain up if we become so sensitive and nitpick at everything the media portrays. We don’t need constant reminders that we are a society that does not tolerate racial inequality, unless it’s something intentional and absolutely obvious. We all know how far we've come. Nitpicking at the small to turn it into a bigger scab will only bear unforeseen ramifications that will take us as many steps back as we take forward.

All this need for labels of racism or injustice may be necessary then, but I personally feel that it’s not today. Just like we can’t afford high-end fashion labels in this economy, we can’t afford those kinds of labels either.

Nat

The Official Beginning of my Spring BREAK

March 31^st. Today marks the one year anniversary since I came on board with my company. I was surprised this morning not with a little Congratulations Nat on hitting your one year with us card but rather a big white cardboard box near my desk and a phone call from upper management. My gift was not only getting today off paid, but a severance package as well.

There was no pink slip like in the movies, but there was that dramatic feeling of walking out of the office holding a big box and upon my final exit, even the parking attendant said the words, “I’m sorry.”

So how do I feel? I’m not quite sure really…I had predicted this and had talked to my friends a few times that if our company had another round of lay-offs I would be ok with leaving, given I was already mentally ready for the next phase in my life. It’s happened too soon and now I have all this time before Law School starts to...I’m not sure what to do…sell my clothes and just window shop to satiate my shopping hunger, soak up the sun and become a beach bum, become a domesticated housewife and live off my boyfriend? I wasn’t ready to be released from the mundane working world so soon…

It feels bittersweet for me at least…bitter because it’s premature and sweet because I’m free to live it up before an intense 3 years of my life in the fall. So I guess you can expect to see more of me in the next few months!

 Yours Truly,

Young, Fabulous and Broke

Breakfast at Tiffany's

This weekend was one of those weekends I felt I had put to waste, moping the days away…then come Sunday and I wished I hadn’t been such a self-wallowing slug. I have the tendency to want one thing and when I get it, I start to miss what I’ve given up…when I’m at one place, I dream that my life would be different elsewhere and when I get to that somewhere- I miss where I was…I want to be a free spirit and not be held down by any such inclinations of love or dependence, but when I get that opportunity to be released, I become a prisoner of my own emotions being pushed out of where I was once comfortable.

I spent all of my Saturday morning watching and re-watching “Breakfast at Tiffany’s” even though I have seen it one too many times before…I love that I get transported into another place and time where I can forget my small troubles, which fades away every time into the backdrop of the old glamour of uptown New York.

I’ve always wanted to be a Holly Golightly, a carefree darling who mingled her way to a Manhattan loft, worked her way into the socialite realm, who dated many but was held down by none. As life would have it, perhaps I too might be starting on the same road as Holly (née Lula Mae)…a suburban girl from humble beginnings who falls into a committed relationship in her teenage year…sometimes wishing to break free to be on the other side of the world.

But it’s obvious that Holly is just as unhappy as Lula Mae…she gave up something stable and dull, like a pair of cheap Soda flats, for something unstable and exciting, like a pair of 5 inch Christian Lacroix heels. There was no balance, since she was always at polar ends of the spectrum. Paul made a comment that struck a cord …

“You call yourself a free spirit, a "wild thing," and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself.”

My preconceived notions of who I want to be or ought to be gets lost in my reality at times and I forget to count my blessings that perhaps having a lover whose wealth fluctuates with the stock market (who bought me Chanels and took me to fancy restaurants when the market was up and later then tells me to shop in my own closet and cook ramen for dinner when the market is down) is better than dating the “ninth richest man in the world” who will dump me at the slightest itch of a surfacing flaw…or even perhaps recycling last year's wardrobe to be recession-friendly is better than shopping every weekend to keep up with the times to end up in a deeper debt than the Federal Reserve...

Nothing political today…just a wake up call for the dreamer in me…and when I wake up I won’t be eating a croissant in a chic black gown in front of Tiffany’s down 5^th Avenue, but rather I’ll be at work in my bummy clothes eating oatmeal down in Culver City… and I am okay with that.



Nat

Dear Obama, My Friends and I can use some of that Bailout Money as well…

Good morning world! While I was brushing my teeth this morning and looking at my disheveled self in the mirror, I started to think about how I used to look like this every morning when I used to wake up for my early Econ classes dreading the boring lectures from McDevitt…I used to think to myself “this horror will be over...after college you will get a great job and make tons of money and every morning will be a new day in which you jump out of bed and be ready to make your indelible mark in the working world…”

Not even close. For some people this may hold true but for others it seems like an entry level job may almost be comparable to a bookmark in our lives; just holding the page until you’re ready for the next chapter. My job is not the hardest job in the world and in no way do I feel like it’s a challenge. I admit that it’s easy and I love that I’m not micro-managed and have the leisure of completing my work at my own pace…but in the words of Evita “Where do (I) go from here? This isn’t where (I) intended to be…”

If there’s one thing you must know about me, I can’t settle; I can’t settle for easy and comfortable; I need the challenge and I need to know that I’m going somewhere. Right now I’m stagnant, that’s why I decided I need to change the tides of things and go back to school and re-compass my direction in life.

Now I’m not complaining, because I know that I am actually lucky to even be employed compared to many recent graduates who are currently facing a horrific job market where entry level positions are asymptotically reaching zero!

Proof: http://www.cnn.com/2009/US/03/18/economy.college.students/index.html?iref=newssearch

So that BA degree that holds all that promise of a good paying job is considered BS right now. On top of that, our generation of young adults has accumulated a pile of debt for the cost of the continuously increasing cost of tuition and no job. Applying for a deferment due to economic hardship after a year out of college is like a premature cry towards bankruptcy. It’s like promising a loan shark you’ll get the money, but after a year of looking for it, you’re still at a lost as to what else to do. So what do we all do? Borrow more money and go back to school to see if we can become more educated to figure out where all that money is- digging ourselves an even deeper hole. It sounds cynical but it’s the sad reality.

On the bright side, Senator Carl Levin said it best, "The real question is- are we going to have a huge deficit with investment or a huge deficit without investment." Of course he is referring to Obama’s Stimulus Plan but I can say that we can apply this to our education as well- which is definitely an investment.

So my question lies here…the government right now is trying to mitigate everyone’s problems from saving the children and teenagers’ schools from budget cuts, to lowering interest rates for the couples in their 30s trying to be first time home buyers, to saving the seniors’ from losing their Social Security pensions; from assisting the poor in the lower income bracket to helping the rich (aka financial companies and banks and their wealthy CEOs) with bailouts.

What happened to us? The struggling college graduates in our twenties? We are the people to be saved since we are the future of today’s society! We are barely starting our lives in the real world but we are slowly dissolving in a quicksand of debt with no helping hands from employers who can aid us out of it. What is to become of my generation who still believes in the American Dream: you reap what you sow? We borrowed money to afford all the right equipment to plow a field assuming once the spring comes we will have much to harvest, but we are hit with Armageddon so what do we do now??? Ok I’m getting carried away…it’s still too early in the morning…

Nonetheless, I feel like something needs to be done in our sector of education…lowering tuition- sure, but how about prolonging the subsidized deferment timeframe or maybe some bailout money to waive a chunk of our debt from an education that held so much promise? It’s true today that a Bachelor’s degree is the equivalent of a High School degree and you are on equal playing grounds with everyone else. I understand now that just like the US dollar, our education system can also go through the cycles of inflation…so does this mean if you don’t get your PhD in 2050, you’re considered educationally stunted? Anyways that’s off topic, but either way we need help from the big guy…

Are you there Obama? It’s me Natalie…

 I was supposed to pay off this satin couture after I completed my studies...

 Nat

Future Under Construction...

Lately I've had my reservations about marriage....seeing all the soaring rates of unhappy marriages ending in divorce, the increasing infidelity, and even the devaluing of the institution of matrimony. I concluded loosely that I would focus on my career first and consider marriage at 29 or 30 years old- or maybe not at all…

But yesterday I watched this show called Celebrity Weddings, where everyday couples plan their weddings based on celebrity's weddings...and it was like chlorine polluting my preconceived pool of thoughts. I got a little ...sentimental. The emotional girly-shopaholic-lover of all fine things part of me submerged and was entrapped in the fairy tale idea of it all; ogling over everything, from the perfect Monique Lhuillier dress to the subtle Tiffany-esque décor of the reception. I shed a tear when the couple each took their deceased fathers wedding bands and melted it into their own wedding bands to declare some sort of symbol of a merge and acquisition of each others love…and then it went to commercial break and a cute Gerber’s baby was playing with her mommy on the living room floor…-and then I snapped out of it for the life of me.

What was I doing? A future lawyer doesn’t get emotional like this. If there’s anything I’ve learned so far, a lawyer is tough and objective and does not let the nonsense nature of emotions get the best of her. But my insides felt uneasy…It felt like something wasn’t right. I don’t want to be tough and mean and Omarosa…but at the same time I wanted to be a tough and successful lawyer. It was like an Oedipus Rex complex…how so? I’m not quite sure, but it’s comparable to that noxious idea of an incestuous act.

It’s always easier to follow a concrete path someone has already paved the way for and having that ideal role model to look up to and strive to become…but I have no such person I can think of. Not even Oprah whose putting Steadman and her expiring ovaries in the back burner…
I feel a lot of professional women moving up the ladder have had to make so many sacrifices- it be personality-wise or family-wise. They have to suppress their femininity (longer skirts; shorter hair; fight the ticking clock and the urge to say “oh it’s my female intuition”) in order to be taken seriously in a mainly male profession. I want to be able to leave my hair long and flowy, wear the things that best reflect who I am, follow my female instincts, have a family and be nurturing at home and still tough in the workplace. I want the best of both worlds.

In our world today, it may be rarer to find such a woman but I know down the road in my children’s generation there will be many women who will stay true to their maternal roles, yet find their to-be-defined Alpha-female position in the workforce.

The road’s not paved yet but I’m sure I'll be a part of the site construction...

Paving the way...
 Nat

Meghan McCain

Recently I have started paying attention to Meghan McCain- someone whom I would never expect to take any slight interest to. She was on The View discussing her recent feud with Laura Ingraham in which Ingraham attacked her not on her political stances but on her weight and her appearance- summing her up as a plus size model. I loved the way she handled this- not just by saying "Kiss my fat a**" but that she stated that Ingraham was giving a bad name for women by digressing from attacks to her intelligence to her appearance. When women do this to each other, we are only putting a cap on our true potentials to be up there with the big political guys.

I read her blog today on the TheDailyBeast.com and I can say that she can possibly be one of the voices of our generation. Yes she has that stereotype of being a blonde ditzy valley girl that would probably know more fashion than anything, but this is how a lot of girls like myself can relate. Sometimes people won't take you seriously because you have that label, but I do beleive that when the label comes off there is just as much potential and room for growth to be heard and taken seriously.

I am of course a self proclaimed Democrat, so it is not to say the least that I support a Republican, but it's the way McCain has approached politics that I respect. Despite the fact that she comes from a conservative family, she was not influenced by it initially and was an Independent at one point but now calls herself a "Progressive Republican." I would say that she is a right wing Moderate if anything. There has been a lot of strong figures in the GOP like Anne Coulter or Rush Limbaugh- who I feel have only ostracized impressionable people like myself to move even further to the left- to the left. I think McCain- being only 24- sees this and feels a need to have more strong figures, who are not extreme Republicans, speak out and change these attitudes. The Democratic Party, I feel, has had more of an advantage being portrayed much more highly and excessively in our media, giving our people what we want to hear and see. Obama had suddenly became a celebrity and for teenagers it was cool to support him- whatever it was he may be supporting.

I feel that our country always needs a balance of both. When a Republican President is too busy focusing on foreign affairs for 8 years and neglects our falthering economy, we need a Democratic President who can jump in to focus on domestic affairs and the pattern goes on. It's a balancing game that has made our country so much more progressive than any other country who have either been Socialist, Communist or what not over the last decades and decades.

All in all, I am still figuring out where I stand in the midst of all this mayhem, but whatever position I fall into I would never want to get lost in a label that because I am liberal everything liberal is the solution to our problems

Nat

Amending the Second Amendment

It's been so depressing reading the news lately about all the shooting sprees going on in our country as well as a European country like Germany, where it is said to have strict gun policies. I think what's worst than reading this is knowing that we have all grown pretty much immune and numb to this idea, having heard about it so much. I remember when the incident occurred in Columbine in 1999, it shook us and shocked us. Today it seems like commonplace news...

I have mixed feelings about the Second Amendment, yet I also am unsure where I stand on gun control. We just can't make everything that is considered lethal or harmful to society illegal and expect it to solve all our problems. We will only be expanding our definition of what it means to be a criminal and crime rates will skyrocket. Yet our economy is the worst it's been in a long time and people are growing more and more disillusioned and are resorting to suicidal and violent actions. So I think it is safe to say that we should implement stricter regulations on the sales of guns to every individual. I think professionals like psychologists should play a major role in this process, and not just politicians and economists. The problem lies less in the product being sold, but more so in the individuals making the purchase. Stricter background checks, increase the age requirement, increase the cost or even the tax. We may not eliminate the problem but we can sure reduce the chances of another headline in the news of multiple deaths due to an individual with a handgun.

With two dire wars and a deteriorating home front, it is necessary to make exceptions to certain constitutional rights written in different times to fit our current times.

Nat

A Lawyer?! Why?!

This weekend I went home to visit my family in OC and upon running 'round town to run errands with my mom, I realized just how soft of a grip I had on my dreams for law school. I grew up in a small city full of small business owners, so it's one of those things where adults see you grow up and constantly ask you what you're doing with your life. Not too long ago, the word was that I was going to fashion school to become a fashion designer. So when we went to our dry cleaner's and I told her I was going to law school this Fall, she looks at me and asks "Why? You look too nice to be a lawyer! I thought you were going to go to fashion school? Why?" It was a rhetorical question not expecting an answer...also given she was a seamstress, it wasn't too surprising that she would be more supportive of a more feminine profession.

Upon going to my Mom's accountant to get her taxes done later on the day, the accountant tells us that her wonderful daughter is planning on going to med school and become a doctor...my mom comes back with a "Oh well my daughter is going to law school..." With a look of almost refrained disgust, she responds "Law school? Why do you want to be a lawyer? You want to argue for a living?" I was at a lost for words as it was hard to think and respond in Vietnamese- since I'm not very fluent...So here I was thinking- why do I want to be a lawyer? For a moment, I actually second guessed myself...

As the day progress, I still felt dumbfounded...After graduation, a part of me had felt stagnant and lost when it came to what I wanted to do with my life and I needed a leaping board to advance me further- I have to admit that like most people it was what you'd call an expensive "Default option." It was for a point, but as the months went on to the painful task of studying for the LSAT, to the application process, to getting my first acceptance letter I started changing my mindframe about the concept of me becoming a lawyer and the idea adjusted in my head. I really believe that law school will open new doors for me and expose me to a network of intelligent people who will challenge my intellectual capabilities and push me further in the right direction. Sometimes you gotta hit the ground running and have that blind faith that whatever's planned may go astray but you will end up closer to your realized dream than if you sat and pondered what ifs all your life...

A slow Monday at work...so may return with more thoughts...

Nat

Outliers of Success...for now

It has been months and months since my blog debuted and I have abandoned it like a stray kitten- trying to find its niche...waiting for it's life to start...Since my epiphany I am proud to say that the grueling law school application process has been complete and I am sitting back and waiting for the raw fruits of my labor to grow. I have been accepted to my safe school in LA, so from this point on, my road to law school is at least secure.

I am still figuring out how to become this woman I strive to be...this fashionable woman with ingenious rebuttals and intelligent remarks in both the superficial and intellectual spheres...I have slowly trickled my attention into the wonderful world of politics via The View (strong women with strong opinions- but often times reaches the borderline of cattiness) and quick once-overs of current political news on CNN.com (enough for me to get the gist and butt into conversations with "yea so I heard..."). I have learned that with Facebook, Tivo and constant internet surfing, I have become a simpleminded voyeur that views the things that entertain and "fast-forward" the things that bore me...and so ADD has become a destruction to my fruitful endeavor to success.

My solution? Read. Yes, boring but it will be a sedative to the hyperactive kid inside me. Reading forces you to focus and understand, which as a result- stimulates my mind and makes me...think. So I am currently reading Malcolm Gladwell's Outliers. It attracted me because it's The Story about Success- a unique approach to how we as a society has come to view this concept and how it can be blemished. I started it yesterday while watching American Idol and have actually taken a slight affinity to Gladwell's ideas. I am a quarter through the book and will discuss in further details when I am complete.

With work being such a bore, I have more time to stop reading other people's blogs and go back to blogging myself!