Childhood Memories

I remember in 6th grade I found this "After Awhile" poem in one of my self-help books and I was so inspired by it that I made a poster, decorated with childish drawings of flowers and doodles and stuck it up on my ceiling, right above my bed.

With every fight my parents had and with every growing pains I felt through my awkward years. . .

"And you begin to accept your defeats

with your head up and your eyes ahead,

With the grace of a woman,

Not the grief of a child"

With all the failed plans and goals I made for myself to be the woman I wanted to become. . .

"And you learn to build all your roads on today

because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and

futures have a way of falling down in mid flight

. . . I was able to wake up every morning with the warmth of this mantra and put aside all my yesterdays and start anew.

“Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul

instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers”

I guess my years of independence all stemmed from that little poster.

"And you learn that you really can endure,

that you are really strong,

and you really do have worth"

I have to say that although I do wish he was here to tell me how paternal-ly proud he is of how far I've come from that timid little girl with big dreams and no mentor. . .

"And you learn and you learn

With every goodbye you learn"

we've tried.

“This is a good sign, having a broken heart.

It means we have tried for something.”

— Elizabeth Gilbert

Big Fish

I am excited to say that I got an interview with one of the most prestigious law firms in the field of labor law through OCI!

I was so excited with the opportunity of just interviewing for the job, that I got carried away- imagining that the recruiting partner and I would engage in such a lovely conversation about TARP and excessive executive compensation (as it relates back to my research assistant position) that he would tell me how intelligent and charismatic I was and how he would love to have me as part of their firm, then I would receive an offer shortly after with a fat compensation package, then I would break the great news to all my friends and family, and we would pop champagne bottles like they do in the movies and . . . yes, a girl can only dream. . .

I mean, it's just an interview right? And how many smart people am I competing with? It's not just the girl that sits next to me in tax class that's also in law review and was a judicial extern, but I'm competing with every other Ivy Leaguer out there, who is by far a lot more qualified in every aspect of their lives than little O.C. me. . . so that thought splat the ethereal daydream bubble forming over my head.

So here I am. I need to pull my thoughts away from the future and bring it back to the realities of stock dividends and corporate liquidations. Although this interview is for the ideal job because of the GREAT pay and the fact that it's located in Irvine- I need to remember how many applications and interviews an entry level student has to apply to and interview for before she's lucky enough to land THE job.

I am naive at times and, like I mentioned before, every event has always been the be all and end all for me.

Passion when it matters and nonchalance when it doesn't...

So I need to focus my energy on finals, which is for the next 2 weeks. My interview is in 3 weeks.

I may be a little Loyola Goldfish in an ocean of Rainbow Fishes and Ivy League Sharks, but that's not going to stop me now is it?

the load

"It's not the load that breaks you down.

It's the way you carry it."

- Lena Horne

"Go ahead, throw vanity out the window"

While idly reading my facebook stream updates earlier today I stumbled across an old friend's sister's profile status which linked to her blog (oh the degrees of separation in our social networks nowadays). She had shared with the world that she was making the conscious decision of not only donating her long locks, but that she was shaving her head to raise money and demonstrate her solidarity with kids who have cancer (via St. Baldrick's Foundation, which raises money to fund research in finding the cure for children's cancer). I was so flabbergasted (for lack of a better word) that any girly girl, especially the girls I know from Orange County, would ever do such a thing in her lifetime! It's one thing to cut off your hair but you're in an entirely different group to shave off your head for charity. The beautiful thing is it didn't take an affected person in her family or group of friends for her to do what she is doing. This is all entirely out of the goodness of her heart, for the sake of children who were not as fortunate to be dealt the same cards as us.

What are mere follicles on our heads when we've been blessed to live decades of such fulfilling lives, to experience emotions that uplifts us to those that pains us, compared to these young children who have barely graced the planet earth and are fighting just to stay on it to live to experience all the things we take for granted?

A woman who can rise above the societal influence of that vanity that pollutes our society today, and can step out of her own shoes and into the shoes of the less fortunate is the woman I aspire to become. Albeit a donation was all I had the courage to do, I am sure there are many different paths to get to that path of true selfless compassion.

the best laid plans of mice and men often go astray

So I failed at my last goal.

So what?

It's far behind me at this point.

I can't win them all.

To wallow in my successes and not get swallowed in my failures should be an all too familiar part of growing up by now.

I have my next big goal to attack: ace my LLM exams.

They're in less than a month so I should get out of this rut and not have one failure shut out subsequent hopes for future successes.

The finish line is near and then I'll get my couple weeks of break to revive for the next big challenge of 3L.

Cancun Countdown: 4 weeks, 6 days.

DVF

"The most important relationship you have in your life. . .

is the relationship you have with yourself."

— DVF

Bummed.

So I've been waiting for the results of Law Review and today was supposed to be THE day that invitations get emailed out. . . I couldn't sleep last night because I was so anxious. I kept refreshing my email the whole day today to see if there were any signs. . . it's 7:25pm. . . the end of today. . . still no email. Since class ended I've been studying the whole time for the last 3 hours. . . the feeling of defeat is slowly eating me inside and I'm trying hard to focus on what's important at hand: BTI homework. . .

I'm only human, so I can only put up with the nonchalance for so long. I know I can't win every battle I jump into. Every victory my heart beats as though it were on the verge of an attack. Every defeat it drops out of my chest on the verge of death. It's so hard to maintain neutrality, you know?

Well, right now it's currently feeling major defeat. There's a spark of hope that I'll get an invitation later tonight and if I'm lucky, a second-hand invitation tomorrow. However, I'm trying to slowly cope with it so I can start fresh tomorrow and not let it weigh me down. It's not the end of the world- there are other means of getting my foot in the door for jobs and it doesn't always mean having Law Review on my resume right? That can't be the make-all, break-all. I can't always push myself over the edge after result.

. . . Just got news that Frankie (family dog) just died. . . wow. Okay I am moping over all the wrong things.

Bye.

Hidden Progress

I was just thinking just the other day about how I use this blog as a medium for complaining about my daily journeys through the rough roads of school and politics. I guess somewhere along the way I forgot that the premise of Politiks n' Blahniks was to track my progress through this complex world that I had once knew absolutely nothing about. I guess when I finally started my journey I was taking in so much material that I didn't have to time to just sit down and regurgitate the things I learned or reflect on the complexities that baffled me. Blogging became nonsensical and a mindless getaway...

Nonetheless, although this blog has not accurately reflected my actual transformation into the other side- it's all there.

Like my very first entry, I wouldn't have been able to carry on a conversation about politics and the economy with anyone (despite my economics degree background), but I can talk about fashion and celebrity gossip like it was no big deal (reflective of my secondary degree, Sociology - the study of being social. . .supposedly). I think the final trigger of becoming more politically savvy and worldly was on this particular sunny afternoon a year ago. . . I was sitting outside during break and a group of law students were talking to each other. I was minding my own business and trying to catch up for the day's reading. I suddenly heard "blah blah Abu Dhabi blah blah." My eye's lit up and I was thinking to myself "ooh this is much more interesting than ConLaw, they're talking about Sex and the City 2" (which recently came out the same month) so I decided to ease drop to see what they thought of the movie. I didn't hear Carrie, Charlotte, Samantha or Miranda. . .

... Of course, of course- they were talking about the Abu Dhabi government. . . my interested smile turned into a dumbfounded frown and that turned into a realization event to take action. Of course I would never have known there was a place called "Abu Dhabi" had it not been for SATC 2. . . here I was thinking it was a make believe place too good to be true all for Carrie to bump into Aidan and be tempted to cheat on Big... pooh

That was then. . . In the last couple of years I have become more familiar with the wonderful world of the news. I have managed to squeeze in the daily news to educate myself in between the crevices of my down time.

• First thing in the morning, I wake up to my alarm and go onto Facebook where I have streamed the Huffington Post and the Daily Beast onto my newsfeed. I browse merely the titles to wake me up and fall out of bed.

• My daily commute from LB to LA consists of CNN radio and Bloomberg (when CNN becomes too engrossed into petty or gory criminal news).

• In between my class breaks I skim through my RSS or Bloglovin' feed for a visual break from the I.R.C.

• After a long day of class, I recuperate by watching The View (daily DVR, of course) and vegging out for half an hour. . .and then I jump back into studying.

At the end of the night, if I have time and still have room in my brain for more educational indulgences, I watch political or economic documentaries, which I have become extremely fond of! Although I am aware that most are biased and one-sided, I still watch it religiously and take in everything.

So there you have it, what I actually have been doing the last year, beyond my complaints of exhaustion. . .(now that I think about it, maybe that's why my brain is so fried by the end of the day to blog about anything). . .

This entry was actually meant to lead in to my new goal of writing about all the documentaries I have been watching, to summarize and discuss the impact it has on society- I guess that entry will have to wait for another day, but as a note to self, these are a list of the ones I will eventually review (if I have the time at all)

1. Too Big to Fail (HBO film/documentary) (Rate: 5/5)
2. Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room (Rate: 4/5)
3. Freakonomics (Rate: 2/5)
4. Food, Inc. (Rate: 4/5)
5. King Corn (Rate: 3/5)
6. Food Matters (Rate: 2/5)
7. Supersize Me (Rate: 3/5)

Enough for today- study time.

Love, Nat

Cancun countdown: 6 weeks...

After the Storm...there's an Island

After I posted the "M is for Me" post, I begged the BF for a short vacation before I start my 3L year. He eventually agreed and ironically he suggested this resort called ME hotel (what a coincidence!)

I have been working and going to school nonstop that I really feel like a well-deserved vacation has to be somewhere close within the horizon. Of course he complained that my yearly vacation was making me spoiled. . . thinking about it, it's possibly true (Yr 1: Catalina Islands; Yr 2: Costa Rica; Yr 3: Bahamas; Yr 4: Vietnam; Yr 5: Virgin Islands. . .) We're on our 6th year... so Cancun awaits...

I have to admit that although I take on an overwhelming load during the year, a little vacation come summer always revives my batteries and I can keep going at it for another year with the same load (if not heavier), but the cycle goes on and the work gets harder. Nonetheless, I feel like I do become more malleable and it's harder to reach that breaking point when I know that ball of stress that grows bigger and bigger towards the end of the year will eventually avalanche into a nice, sunny island somewhere far from California.

Destination: ME Cancun Hotel.

Countdown: 6 weeks, 4 days...

Love,

Nat

M is for Me.

Fingers crossed that the bf will agree to a short vacay in August (post LLM program and pre 3L) . . . somewhere sandy and sunny. . .

Mimosas in the morning,

Mojitos in the afternoon,

Merlot at night

Listening to Marley all day long . . .

(Buffalo soldier...)

Nice tan, sun-bleached hair, getting high . . . (on life, of course)

Love,

Daydreamer

elle woods

"Law school is for people who are boring, and ugly, and…serious.

And you, Button, are none of those things."

– Elle's father

Brooke Shields

"And success, I believe, comes in a myriad of packages and with various types of wrapping. Please continue to aim high and strive for your best, but learn to embrace, and revel in, your unique successes. Compare not to others. This will be difficult but valuable, I promise." -Brook Shields at Princeton's 2011 Commencement

"[Education is] the thing that can't be taken away from you. We're in an industry where [things] gets taken from you all the time . . . because you're never good enough; no matter where you are or who you, there's somebody better, younger, or whatever. Education helped me have my own sense of self." -Brooke on The View

Educated and beautiful women inspire me and answer the "why?" for me each day. . .

Sick.

Went shopping with my mom yesterday and saw this gorgeous orange pleated Halston dress on sale for $299! I wanted so badly to buy it and am still thinking about it today... but- as usual... must talk myself out of buying something I won't have any opportunity to wear... Life's a bore. Maybe one day I can be like Bradshaw and prance around town in gowns like it's no big deal

...one day...

Anyways, celebrated BF's birthday with his friends and family yesterday and feeling extremely sick today... trying to study, but this runny nose, dry cough, and headache is getting the best of me...

Forever Young

‎"Nobody grows old merely by living a number of years. . .

We grow old by deserting our ideals...

Years may wrinkle the skin,

but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles the soul."

“You spend 90% of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10% trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” ~Robert Brault

Life Lesson? I need to stop complaining that I need a break- I can rest when I'm dead. My twenties are the years in which I need to work the hardest to build a platform for the rest of my life and the years in which I need to play the hardest to soak in the remainder of my youth!

. . . Although I'm not sure how accomplishing both things is physically possible with my schedule. . . But seriously, ever since I started Law School all I've been doing is complaining, complaining. Boyfriend's right, nobody likes a Negative Nancy.

Speaking of aging, I forgot about my old Xanga. . . and reading it again after 3 years is kind of refreshing...

http://lecocouturecafe.xanga.com/ Very amateur, but I love it indeed.

Who I Was.

I'm starting to have random mental Polaroids of things I've done in the past- of the small gestures I've made or the stupid things I've said. I find myself experiencing feelings of embarrassment, and the awkward discomfort of "why did I do that?" Although they were all minor and no big deal, I reflected on why I was thinking about all this stuff suddenly and why I didn't realize at the time time how unlike me to say or do those thing. I'm speaking in the abstract because it's not the substance of what came to me that actually really matters, but just the whole concept of what was going on.

I've come to realize how being stubborn all these years, of always justifying my actions and words, are signs of me being childish. I guess growing up is knowing when and why to change for the better. For example, I've come to realize that when I try so hard to be the girl that stands out, be it superficially, or intellectually, I set myself up for self-castigation. I'll always question why I'm not prettier than her or why I'm not smarter than him. Or worst, I'll find reasons to put someone down just so I can make myself feel like I'm better. Being a girl in this society, where everyone seems like they're competing to look younger or more enhanced, and being the first to be in the know of the latest trends, I found myself stuck in that mentality, and the more I keep thinking how am I going to catch up, I dig a deeper hole a lot of young girls are stuck in. I admit that turning 25 made me feel "old" and it cascaded into fears of getting wrinkles and cellulite, and knowing how there's always going to be someone younger and smarter and cuter. . . If my boyfriend was reading this he would blame this sudden high level of estrogen on my "monthly visitor." whatever.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I should start rolling all this competitive and jealous energy into a ball and throw it out the window every time I find myself rationalizing why I'm right and the other person is wrong, or what kind of flaws I can find in the next perfect girl that makes me feel like an insecure blob, or something stupid like that. I guess it's a flaw we all have but few can admit to...

Growing up, I have always immersed myself in cheesy self-help books and inspirational quotes that I guess somewhere along the way I felt those values were embodied in me and that I was this Mother Teresa, but in reality my personality and values actually became lackluster. It was like preaching the things I believed, but didn't have squat to show for. I was too busy trying to put the pieces of my relationships I had with family, friends, school, and my career into place that I had all form and no substance (yes, and in the tax world, we all know how important substance is. . .). So coming to this realization now, I'm going to try to be more aware so that I can one day embody the values that can make me strong, resilient and empathetic to the human condition and to myself.

Okay, my break is over- back to the hell I call Partnership Tax.

Love,

Nat

3 weeks down. 8 more to go.

Complaining about Corporate Tax was so juvenile, in hindsight, compared to the hells of Partnership Tax.

I still need a vacation, despite the gloomy 60 degree summer.

Love. As We See It and As We Want to See It.

Recap. Anthony Weiner. John Edwards. Arnold Schwarzenegger. Tiger Woods. The list goes on. Instead of expressing all this disgust and hate towards these douche bags, I'm going to try to take this in a different direction.

I've been listening to CNN on my commute to class every morning, and each morning I hear about all these political sex scandals thats been going on. First, Edwards is having an affair while his wife is going through chemo and then after she dies he's indicted for using campaign funds to support his mistress. Then, Arnold has a love child. Then, Weiner is showing his wiener all over the web to strange women. The other day a sex psychologist came on the air to try to "understand" why these high powered men do what they do. She says it's the high levels of testosterone that sexualizes these men and brings out the risk taker in them and then there's their natural ability as politicians to rationalize everything they do. I was thinking, ok . . . I guess that makes sense.

Today I read on the Daily Beast an article about rethinking monogamy. During my extra long commute today, I zoned out and kept thinking about that article. The author claims that mammals are naturally non-monogamous. People cheat and can't stay with one person for a long time or they feel tempted to be with a different person while they're with one person because it's in our blood, as mammals. She argues that the institution of marriage and exclusivity for life is something that human beings unsuccessfully try to strive for and force upon ourselves. As a result, we go against our natural state and when we fall back on it by cheating, we are merely acting "naturally." She argues not to end the institution of marriage, but to rethink it. She gives stats on swingers and polyamorous relationships and all that stuff. So how did I absorb all this?

Okay, well it all dawned on me of what I've experienced these past 25 years. First, my boyfriend of almost 7 years has (emotionally) cheated on me five years ago. Although he says he's a rehabilitated man and I forgave him, it still lingers in our arguments. Second, my parents are divorced. Why? My dad never told us (obviously), but my theory has always been he wanted freedom from the constraints of family. He wanted to be free so that he can give into his carnal urges without being judged. Lets just leave it at that. Third, I'm surrounded by news of celebrity sex affairs. Fourth, divorce is at the highest rate it has ever been. Fifth, the town where I grew up has become filled with "coffee shops" with young girls who strut around in literally nothing, serving coffee to old, married men who gawk at them, and of course the inevitable result of infidelity.

We learn and form our judgments based on our surroundings and what our parents teach us. My dad (through his actions) taught me that men are dirty, immoral cowards. My mom has told me many times that love is not forever and that a guy can be in love with you on hands and knees one day and the next year, month, or week, he can fall right out of love with you and devote his feelings to the next girl he meets. So now if you ask me what I make of all this- I would have told you, perhaps earlier this morning when I was stuck on the 110 freeway, that I don't believe in love and marriage anymore and was actually contemplating being an unmarried divorce lawyer. This was a hard thing for me to grapple with because I've always believed so strongly in building your own family and growing old with a life partner.

However, I have now snapped out of all this and am thinking more rationally (or so I'd like to believe). I think that although our "mammal instincts" directs us to the path of polygamy, the ability to selflessly respect our partner and to not give into every carnal desire is what separates us from animals. We've built an institution revolved around what's moral and immoral and what's right and what's wrong. Why turn our backs on it now just because we've become disillusioned at how many failed marriages and relationships have unfolded before us? Perhaps everyone I meet may have cheated or will cheat, but I can't make that my norm. I'm writing about all this because I have the tendency to give up on love and marriage a couple times, and I'm trying to remind myself to "be the change I want to see in the world." Yes, Gandhi believed that mankind can reach the point of sexual self control. In today's world, it seems like such a godly thing to do . . . but of course, there's hope.

I have my fingers crossed that I only get one of these babies in my lifetime...

Love,

Nat.

Rest is for the Weary. . .

I was happily reading for class until Mark calls me and tells me our final grade for ConLaw is posted. You see, I have been waiting anxiously for this grade only because I had an administrative point deducted from my cellphone going off during the exam (it's unfair and the punishment is far too harsh. . .but what can I do. . .). As Mark is telling me how relieved he was to get an A-, I log on to check my grade. . . the sight of the only B+ among rows of As for the Spring semester appears. . . my heart drops and my voice quivers as I try to sound normal talking to him. As soon as he hangs up, I burst into tears.

Here I am crying with no one to talk to. All these thoughts are running through my head. . . whether that point deduction made all the difference. . . whether I even have the energy to read for tomorrow's class. . . whether I even want to make dinner. . . whether I should just cry and drink some wine until I forget about how sad I feel. . .

Then it hit me. . . about 5 minutes later after I sobbed all over my tax book. . . am I really crying over a B+? When did I raise my standards so high that I'm literally crying over a B+?! If I weren't me I'd slap me across the face with my 20 pound federal income tax textbook! Nonetheless, I will commemorate those 5 minutes of raised standards and expecting nothing but the best from myself. I've worked so hard and acing even my hardest class is more than I can ask for (remember all those posts of feeling stupid in Corporate Tax? well I got my Elle Woods ending with an A in that class).

It's been a really rough and hard road for me. The long grueling weeks of finals, followed immediately with one week of the Law Review write-on, followed immediately with this intensive Tax LLM...

As my tax professor tells me: "Don't focus on the trees . . . for you'll lose sight of the forest."

Its been nonstop work...

“I hated every minute of training, but I said,

‘Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.”’

- Muhammad Ali

Long Week...

Lacking the glamour in my life...

"a girl can dream"

Welcome to my summer

Fresh flowers.

Daily Bread.

Life.

Morning commute.

Summer fun...

Not in the sun...

Change

"I've been afraid of changing, 'cause I've built my life around you ..."

A couple days after Valentine's day and a couple days before I turn 25... I'm lost as to what I want out of us... How is change welcomed when I've let it out for over 6 years...

Embarrassed...

What is embarrassment, but an opportunity to reassess myself and improve!

I will laugh at this 5 years from now...

Redemption

I've been meaning to document a snippet of my existence on Monday, but didn't have the time to. It is a day too late to feel the instant sense of excitement, but nonetheless never too early to embrace the irony of that day. Well, as you can tell, I have been feeling like the dumbest person in my Corporate Tax class and have been trying so hard to just be on par with the rest of the crowd or at least feel as though I deserve to be in the same room as them. Well, what do you know. The day we study Redemption (of corporate stocks) was the day I felt REDEEMED. I didn't answer the Professor's questions correctly when he engaged in his typical Socratic methods… rather, I corrected the Professor. Yes, when the words "Sorry about that, I made a mistake… thank you" vibrated through the room, I felt a sense of entitlement and strength. I did a good job of hiding it through my fatigued façade (since I spent the night reviewing the details of that days lesson)… but I felt the fireworks inside! To top it off, for the very first time, most of the student were not able to answer his questions and I knew all of them (of course, I kept that to myself)! So point is… isn't it ironic? A little too ironic that all this fussy frustration yielded a favorable result? Maybe not, but I was feeling the Alanis Morissette...

"Well life has a funny way of sneaking up on you when you think everything's okay and everything's going right

And life has a funny way of helping you out when you think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up in your face"

Maybe not a big deal, but a big deal in my books!

Love, Nat

Please Review in 2016...

It's been a rough couple weeks, but I have decided to take a pause from my schedule and discuss my goals for the future. I always believe that whatever card people end up being dealt with in life, we go further when we know where we're going and how we plan to get there. So this is technically a "new year, new you" kind of entry. I am almost a month overdue since 1/1/11, but I wanted to ingrain all this on some tangible medium before I turned the big two-five… which isn't really big at all for the wise whose lived much longer. Then again, every stepping stone is a milestone for me. I don't know how many times in my past I have written a Life Goals list and threw away and rewrote again and again, but nonetheless, I am currently where I want to be (despite my rants and grumbles). So here goes.

Age	Goal
25	JD/LLM in progress
26	Graduate, Pass the bar Work for the IRS for 3 years
27	Work--- Engaged
28	Work ---Married
29	Work---First Kid
30-35	Open Tax Boutique Firm

That's fairly realistic right? I have made the conscious decision of striving to get into the IRS 3-yr Honors Program post grad for many reasons. Mainly for (1) stability so that I can pay off my tuition (which God knows how much I owe and how much interest has accumulated) (2) balance so that I can jumpstart my career yet be able to balance my personal life the first couple years (and the IRS gives people that type of lifestyle, unlike BigLaw firms which I can just forget about having a life and ignore my maternal ticking clock); and (3) experience to later be able to branch out on my own with as much knowledge as possible. Of course I can control getting my degrees and passing the bar (and maybe forcing that boyfriend of mine to save up for a ring already and remind him that he has 2 years to come up with a fairy tale proposal), but everything else- only time, sweat and luck will tell.

So there you have it, my future looks brighter already… I can stop sitting around and wondering what I'm doing and why.

Inspired.

I know I can. I know I can.

Love,

Nat

Odd Girl Out.

Ever since I got into the joint JD/Tax LLM, I have been surrounded by older, wiser and more experienced students in my small classes. Imagine a small classroom of less than 20 people, where everyone either has worked or is working for the Big 4 accounting firms, already has their JD and or CPA, and can answer (if not challenge) the professor's questions without a blink of an eye. I, on the other hand, am still getting my JD and have no accounting background for the life of me. I mean, it was easy in Federal Income Tax 1 to get an A+ when the people around me are at my level… but here, I jumped into a pond of sharks. I study so hard for these tax classes, but no matter how much time and effort I put into it, I still feel like the dumb one in class who doesn't belong. Tax is such an intricate and technical subject (Heck, even Einstein said it was one of the most confusing things to understand) and not everyone can just wake up one day and say "Hey, I think I'm going to be a tax lawyer"…. Ummm, but that's exactly what I did. I so desperately want to just take the easy way out and be a normal lawyer with a plain vanilla JD degree… but a big part of me knows I can do it, even if it takes looking like the dumbest person in class each day. Today, as I tried to grasp the lecture and the pace of the class , I subconsciously felt like Elle as a whole bunch of Vivians are mocking me (in their heads)… But Elle proved them all wrong right? Right.

Love, Nat

Useless Post.

Oh 2011, how you have creeped up so quickly on me.

I never thought I would turn a quarter century until you finally came. As you await your attack in a month, I have no time to ponder how far I've come and where I'm going. However, because tonight I feel extra emotional (as a result of a swelling wisdom teeth, which I find ironic + that time of the month again + a not surprisingly overwhelming schedule + lack of sleep) I have decided to engage in some self therapy. Even if it means waking up extra early tomorrow to read before my Corporate Tax class.

If you haven't noticed, I barely ever have the time to blog ever since I entered The Other Side. The last time I actually wrote something was in the summer- and even, then I was buried in tons of work. Quick update since then? Progress. I was accepted into my school's Law Review (yay!) but I transferred to a better school (YAY!). I got my first A+ in (who would've thought with all that ranting) Federal Income Tax! I got accepted to my school's 3 year JD/LLM program in Taxation. I am currently gaining more experience with more tax classes, doing VITA, working for the same Tax Attorney, and externing at the IRS. Cheers to progress and opportunities!

Okay, but the reality of it all, is I am burnt out. I finally got home from a long day of class at 11pm and took a shower to refresh to "study some more." However, after I got out of the shower (my only break of the day) I just stared into space. I was exhausted. I was tempted to hide in a corner and cry my eyes out, but I didn't want to waste precious time when I could be reviewing for my early class tomorrow. Yes, I couldn't fit crying into my tight schedule. But here I am. I decided to not bawl like a baby, but to rather act with the grace and poise of a mature adult... and complain to the abysmal online world of everybody and nobody.

I count each of my blessings each night, but oh how it's so hard to step back and see just the forest! All I see are trees and willows pushing me to the ground as I try to navigate my way through it all. What did Leann Womack even mean when she said never "settle for the path of least resistance." Why? Why make life so hard? It's times like these where I wish I had Grandmother Willow to remind me: "All around you are spirits, child. They live in the earth, the water, the sky. If you listen, they will guide you ... sometimes the right path is not the easiest one." But correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't Pocahontas ended up leaving her tribe and following her heart to London only to contract smallpox and die? Ok, so that was a useless stream of consciousness.

I realized my initial agenda for this entry was to find hope in it all again, but I have digressed back to my corner. I guess I will have to save the inspirational entry for another day, because I am currently still feeling dull and unspired. Perhaps this recent immersion into the tax world has made me the exact stereotypical epitome of a boring Tax Lawyer with no pizzazz! I cannot let this happen. This transformation cannot lead to a Pocahontas ending. Ok, lack of sleep and delirium has made me bonkers.

I need to find peace and hope again and find it fast.

I call this: At one with Earth and Hermes....

Tired.

I would much rather lie here than read those books . . .