Who I Was.

I'm starting to have random mental Polaroids of things I've done in the past- of the small gestures I've made or the stupid things I've said. I find myself experiencing feelings of embarrassment, and the awkward discomfort of "why did I do that?" Although they were all minor and no big deal, I reflected on why I was thinking about all this stuff suddenly and why I didn't realize at the time time how unlike me to say or do those thing. I'm speaking in the abstract because it's not the substance of what came to me that actually really matters, but just the whole concept of what was going on.

I've come to realize how being stubborn all these years, of always justifying my actions and words, are signs of me being childish. I guess growing up is knowing when and why to change for the better. For example, I've come to realize that when I try so hard to be the girl that stands out, be it superficially, or intellectually, I set myself up for self-castigation. I'll always question why I'm not prettier than her or why I'm not smarter than him. Or worst, I'll find reasons to put someone down just so I can make myself feel like I'm better. Being a girl in this society, where everyone seems like they're competing to look younger or more enhanced, and being the first to be in the know of the latest trends, I found myself stuck in that mentality, and the more I keep thinking how am I going to catch up, I dig a deeper hole a lot of young girls are stuck in. I admit that turning 25 made me feel "old" and it cascaded into fears of getting wrinkles and cellulite, and knowing how there's always going to be someone younger and smarter and cuter. . . If my boyfriend was reading this he would blame this sudden high level of estrogen on my "monthly visitor." whatever.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I should start rolling all this competitive and jealous energy into a ball and throw it out the window every time I find myself rationalizing why I'm right and the other person is wrong, or what kind of flaws I can find in the next perfect girl that makes me feel like an insecure blob, or something stupid like that. I guess it's a flaw we all have but few can admit to...

Growing up, I have always immersed myself in cheesy self-help books and inspirational quotes that I guess somewhere along the way I felt those values were embodied in me and that I was this Mother Teresa, but in reality my personality and values actually became lackluster. It was like preaching the things I believed, but didn't have squat to show for. I was too busy trying to put the pieces of my relationships I had with family, friends, school, and my career into place that I had all form and no substance (yes, and in the tax world, we all know how important substance is. . .). So coming to this realization now, I'm going to try to be more aware so that I can one day embody the values that can make me strong, resilient and empathetic to the human condition and to myself.

Okay, my break is over- back to the hell I call Partnership Tax.

Love,

Nat