Sleepless in the Summer

Today, I have no epiphanies, nothing intelligent to say, and no inspiration. Today I will complain.

An intense tax class that requires hundreds of pages of reading per week and review to be competitive in a small class of older and more experienced people than myself. A full-time research assistant position for a Dean whose a Harvard scholar who expects nothing but the best and on a subject I know absolutely nothing about- philosophical underpinnings of court rulings on executive compensation? A part time internship for a CPA-Attorney who gives me legal projects I have never dealt with and my need to prove that I can be better than the next intern. A boyfriend who thinks I invest nothing in our relationship. Dwindling friends who never see me anymore. Family who has no idea about half of what I'm going through and three dramatic sisters.

I am overwhelmed.

I always take on more than I can handle and I promise each person that I will give my 110% effort. But there are only so many hours in the day and there is so much I can achieve without burning myself out. When I spread myself so thin, I get mediocre feedback and then that brings me down and the hours I can be working on other projects I use moping and dwelling on why I performed so poorly. So I run in circles chasing my own tail and end up where I started with little progress.

It's easy to go about my life being the next average Jane and just be content with mediocrity, but I choose to be even more and drink more cups of coffee than the average Joe. I'm never content because I never accomplish my list of things because it's always so long and then I kick myself for being so idle by devoting only 15 hrs of my day and not 20 hours. My solution... Don't sleep.

Love,
Negative Natalie

A Heart Shelled Turtle

It seems like worlds away since I was last here. I finally completed my first year of law school and all I can say is... I have no idea what I've gotten myself into. For those nine months I was very robotic and serious. I had pages on pages of to-do lists and I stressed about each and every item until they were complete and replaced by yet another item. I kept checking off those little lopsided squares...but they were never-ending. My hair was getting nappier, my skin was getting paler, my friends were drifting further and my style deteriorating. It was just me and these little square boxes.

A little over a year ago, I had hit the ground running with enthusiasm towards the gates of law school. Recently, I just hit the ground like roadkill. I was exhausted. I had 10 days to recuperate before I started the process again with a summer class, a full-time research assistant and a part time internship.

Those 10 days I spent at the dullest place I know, yet it was the most gorgeous and revitalizing- the Virgin Islands. There was no hustle-bustle of the city...everything was calm...even the ocean waters stayed at peace with gravity. The days were slow and I was bored...but it was perfect. However, my mind wouldn't let me slow down and breathe. Like a war veteran, although I felt like I was home free, the nightmares of the battles kept sneaking into my dreams each night.

I realized that I couldn't live my life like this. There will be many more battles in the road ahead and if I kept letting myself breathe only when I was sipping coffee in the early mornings on the porch of a beach front hotel, I would be dead 99% of the time.

All this dawned on me when the hotel concierge gave me a coupon for a free gift at a local jewelry store. When I went to cash in on the gift- I wasn't sure how to feel...it was a sterling silver necklace of a turtle.

When I was around twelve, I had brought home a baby turtle as a pet. My now estranged father immediately told me to return it from wherever it came from. He superstitiously believed that turtles were slow and bad for business and life. From then on, I hated those slow dumb animals.

So how did I feel about this cute little necklace in my hand of a turtle whose shell was the shape of a heart and whose legs were loose enough to move around?

I was always the hare who tried to race to the finish line, who stared at the end, but never around me. I'm a lot further and closer to my goals but will I be able to finish the race at this pace? Didn't that turtle that I despised before ended up finishing the race AND I'm sure it enjoyed the view on the way there. So point taken, I didn't hesitate to wear the necklace and just like people coming in and out of my life, that anti-turtle notion left me forever too.

I know what path I'm taking and I know the road blocks ahead will be hard to maneuver, but if I kept my pace and learn not to treat trivialities as though they were grave roadblocks and to treat grave roadblocks as though they were trivialities... my heart shell will remain strong and those loose legs will grow stronger.

Love,
Nat